Writer's own thoughts!

  What I am looking for,  Not another mirage in the desert,  Not another illustrious illustration, Not dramatic upheavals,  Not honeyed hives.  I want calm in chaos,  Stability in the disorients,  The frontiers in the woods seems lost,  Whereas they were meant to hold the light for the lost ones.  I want the seventeen year old in the thirty seven guy.  I want your inner child to play with mine.  The boy is pushing the swing,  The girl is giggling in joy. Utterly an heavenly feelings.  The girl didn’t think what's coming forth. She would lose a piece of her,  A playmate, a guardian, a shelter whom the gods favoured.  Now, she has a piles of complains. She screams her heart out in woe,  Asks only one question,  Why? There's no reply.  Not even the heavens shiver in her loss,  Shakes in pain.  She is still looking a love like a seventeen year old.  Her inner child is broken.  It wa...

  NZ, we didn’t ever get the chance to dance in rain, right?! Whereas, we always used to say what we would do when sky poured heavy rain, When the silver lining of the clouds would scream to us,  When the prisms of rainbow would scatter. Then, you would hold my hands,  Take me to the pavilion,  Hold me from the back and watch rainfall. Rain drops dripping all over our body from head to toe,  Rain drops touching our eyelashes, lips, cheeks, And, us?! You know what we would do!  But, now rainfall occurs in monsoon, Aprils aren’t the same anymore.  Hey, do you enjoy the rainfall same as I do?! When thunder flickers and raindrops touch your feet, And, the sudden breeze takes over control, Do you think of me?! I was the storm in your daily routine.  I was the sudden disruption always retreating, never forthcoming.  Hey, my toes are tingling.  Once they were used to tickling.  Hey, my lips keep pronouncing your name. They are tired. ...

We will live as sighs in each other's lives.  You will keep ruminating me,  Same shall I.  You will always remember my rosy cheeks and smile,  I will always remember your modest attires with calm demeanour.  And,  your broadened smile.  Your eyes shine when you smile.  You didn’t ever touch me with your hands. But, you touched my soul with your patience and intents.  Oh, so pure was your love!  In search of gold I lost the diamond!  In dillusional collusions, I lost intentious love and infatuation!  You were my one and only!  But, god knows what demons caught me!  A catfish trapped in the net got awakened in the barbaric time.  I look for you in mirrors and shadows, In sunsets and waves,  In moonlit nights.  Nowhere you are!  Nowhere you are!  Nowhere you are!  Sighs!  A long sigh!  Will my sighs ever reach you?! Would they ever cover the distance and regions?! Will you ever for...

 Why do I lose people?!  Why it has to be me always? Losing my people for the circumstances, For deliberate reasons,  For distance,  For unforeseen situations.  Why it has to be me always?! I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I didn’t want them to lose.  But, somehow they leave me in the midway, Is it me or them or fate?!  Oh, destiny you are the cruelest!  I didn’t want to be this strong by losing my favourites.  I didn’t want to be this independent by losing my shelters.  I didn’t want to be this isolated by losing my happiness.  My happiness was within them,  In them.  Oh, the cruelest of all,  Destined fate, you have taken too much from me.  How will you occupy?!  How would you now compensate me?!  Everyday I die and resurrect thinking about them.  My lost ones, loved ones and favourite persons,  Memories haunts me in the dark nights.  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 1...

Oh, the audacity of leaving the person you love! To walk away with steady feet, While their heart still trembles in your hands. To close the door so gently, As if silence could soften The thunder you have caused. Oh, the elegance of cruelty, To smile while departing, To bless the wound you created, And name it destiny. You and I were once A garden of unfinished springs, Where every petal leaned toward tomorrow, Where laughter climbed the walls Like ivy melting in the sunlight- touch of wounds! You were the moon over my tides, The flame beneath my winter, The sacred ache I wore like rubies around my throat. Yet you left— With the grace of a thief, With the pride of a king, With the calm of one Who never knew the value of what was held. Yet I let you go- With the grace of a cursed witch stuck in her castle,  With the pride of an independent soul,  With the calm of an elegant woman who knew what she has lost and what she can hold. Oh, had you stayed, The nights would have sung fo...

You were a beautiful chain whom I binded myself with, You were a self-built cage where I imprisoned myself, You were a fanatic decision which I believed in, I feared myself- that my own perceptions about love will crumble if I ever failed the relationship,  But, Alas! You failed me in all matters and I despise you!  I would despise you forever- You even don't deserve to get my loathsome rage! You were just a havoc only to decrease some of my wealth! But, do you know what's more precious?!  Its the inner-determination and a strong mind,  Believing in self that none can shatter,  You think you can take away my lot? Well, my destiny is well-preserved, Think about yourself- what you lost! Damn! What a looser I had to deal in a lifetime,  Trying to act cooler but more dumb you become, Glad to leave you, Glad to leave your shadow,  You were a succubi to succumb my soul,  Now get lost forever in the jungle and hide in your inauspicious cave, never try to...

Why don't you believe in people anymore?! - Cause, I don't want anyone to exploit my reason. How's that like?! -Well, you see when you have a reason to feel free and independent then you will get people surrounding you who wants to gain easily  accessible benefits from you on temporary basis,, Then, again, if you are kind and compassionate,  Then, there are always people who will abuse your kindness and make you feel miserable,  But, you don't avenge them instead you forgive.  You forgive because you understand thier reason,  By doing so you become grounded and mature, Again, you are mistaken and taken for granted,  Your level of understanding is taken advantage of. So, I don't expect anything from anyone anymore,  Nothing can hurt or stay with me for long!  Because in this cruel world bewildered with ecstasy,  No bond lasts long! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 2023, Rokeya Hall. 

You were necessary for me to evolve, You showed me what I thought love was not love actually  but compromise and a habitual prolongation, You proved me wrong- my perception of love is shattered, Yes, you were not meant to stay but necessary for my evolution. You were necessary for me to evolve, Staying with you I learnt the innate necessity for space and individualism everytime when you crushed my pride, ego and self, I learnt how important it is to be self-authorized and self-sufficient before becoming someone else's love interest, I was a love object to you nothing else, You were a habit to me nothing to chase or brag! You were necessary for me to evolve, Because, you showed me how important it is to love yourself before seeking someone else's love, You showed me the lacking I have within myself that always wanted to love others, I was self-compromising,later in self-defence, I would not think about myself once- Forgot all the cliches- class, interpretations, status, looks, ...

Once the girl believed in love and fantasy,  She thought that love can change the world,  Love has the healing energy, Later, the girl realizes love can destroy too, It is destructive,  If not placed right! The believer became a disbeliever now! The girl who believed in love so much,  Now, regrets loving!  She doesn’t believe in the magic of love,  Everything seems now a facade to her!  Love can not heal,  Love can not build,  Love can not secure, Love alone is not enough,  Cause, the definition of love is distorted to many peoples!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 3.39 pm, T-4

 You were a mountain,  I was a shallow fountain laying low.  I could sustain you if only I had the same heights as you!  But, you know Adrian,  Just like Sun and Moon cannot coexist in the same axis,  Mountain and Plane land cannot compete!  Now, I have accumulated a length of patience to gain your height.  I understand what you've been carrying all along. The weight of high standards and memories of losing the precious.  I have had also a fair share of losses.  I have seen lives lost,  Torn,  Gone astray,  I have seen lives stuck, Stuck in ambition, greed, pain and regrets.  To sustain a mountain like bond,  One has to be mountainous.  You didn’t lower me to a flat land.  I rose. I rose high.  Higher like an eagle to be able to understand how lonely it feels to carry the weight of the heights!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 12.55 pm, T-4

 Silently, I have loved you for decades,  Silently, I have chanted your name for thousand times.  I have scripted an epic love story,  Painted it with stardust and inked it with thunderings.  Wondering, whether you still think of me,  Whether you would still love me the same?!  You and I were separated like a geography torn down into halves,  Now like a seat caveat I live beneath and keep crossing the borderlines.  There are so many troops guarding me,  And, obviously there are internal barricades that I wouldn’t jump.  You are beaming with happiness and glow,  I know somebody loves you right.  You are doing all well in life,  I know someone prays hard for you and shakes the heaven's throne to make things bright.  Your smile is still the same,  Your eyes shines diamond like,  You have grown a dimple and a mustache,  And, seeing you creates a hole in my heart and the heart aches. I whimper in pain,...

Life could have been different, Adrian, with you by my side! You and me hand in hand, Side by side, Walking aisles together. You and I, living a life together, Crushing in laughter, Dancing and giggling. My spring would begin from then, And, I would be your shining star and red rose. I would wear a red bodycon, You would tie a bow, We would go to the gala, And, sing the whole night. Oh, there would be so many countless nights where we  would celebrate each other in numerous ways! If you would like to go hiking, I would be your ride! If you liked swimming, I would be your river and ocean waves! If you liked flowering, I would be the favourite garden in your sight! If you would like to talk with aquarians, I would be your guide! Oh, Adrian, can you feel the burden of regrets? The things we could have been and the things we could not be! The daylight that shows us the primal bay, we did not obey! So, the night shadows return - to consume us, Our love was devoured by a sadistic typhoon...

I am a big fan of your qualities, Adrian.  You know casual love adventures cannot replace your worth.  Do you know why people with qualities are unforgettable?!  They are rare cause they don't give the bare minimum. A qualityful human is not made of gold, But of quiet truths and courage told. They carry kindness in their hands, And build soft bridges where hurt once stands. They do not shine by wealth or fame, Nor seek applause to praise their name. Their strength is calm, their heart is wide, They lift the fallen to walk beside. They speak with care, they act with grace, They leave warm light in every place. In storms, they stand; in peace, they give, Teaching others the way to live. A qualityful human, rare yet true, Makes the world kinder simply through The love they offer, day by day.... A gentle soul that lights the way. You were a man of quality Adrian! Now, I am unable to find.  Everything seems so distant, so faraway now, I keep chanting your name,  My l...

  Adam, tell the young petals to learn the rules of love before  falling in love deeply. Before getting attached, tell them to understand the syntax of love language. Because if they fall in love unknowingly, they are going to suffer. Suffer eternally. Burn in the fiery fire, Then, live like ashes with burnt wounds and scars. Tell them lovers suffer. Notify them about the darkness ahead. They won't be able to sleep in long nights. Tell them lovers who grow distant suffer, Lovers who never reunite suffer, Lovers who change lovers suffer, Lovers who stay together apathetically suffer. Lovers who separate suffer, Lovers who are unequals suffer, Lovers who are equals too suffer. Tell them, love is an eternal journey of suffering. Tell them not to fall in love without taking responsibility.  If they want to burn in this flame, tell them to be prepared. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 3.24 am, midnight thoughts, Tagar.  

Last time when we met after decades,  I asked you a particular question,  Will I keep waiting for you?!  You said, no!  This is a closure meeting my love.  With heavy weight on my heart I let you go. Again, you slipped away from my hands like slipping sands. My tulip is in another's hand, That's why I relish suffering now. You asked the same question to me a decade ago, I didn’t wait.  So, did you.  Now, I know how it feels when people slips away. Time can't be rebounded.  Waves that washes away sands doesn’t return always.  Lovers that part away for good never return. There is a heavy rock sitting on my chest.  The rock of guilt and shame.  Shamelessly, still I am in love with you.  Shamelessly, I look for your return in my arms. They are kept wide open only for you.  You know Adam,  I enjoy suffering now.  Without you, I want to suffer lifetime.  But, did you find my replacement?!  Is that person a ho...

A girl with flat eyes in the west flat  regularly sits on the wooden chair to recount her past.  She sits alone with her memories.  They speak to her.  They have seventeen roses in their hand, She is wearing a green gown.  The scenic greenery is assembled with her.  A boy comes with a bouquet of roses in his hand,  Seventeen red roses!  Red was his color.  Red eyes, red lips with a red tinted passionate heart. A man of honor,  A man of dignity, A man with flowers in his hands.  A man with promises in his eyes.  A man with purest love in his mouth.  A man with long stature,  And, highest standards.  A man with sweetest tone,  Who never raised his voice.  Red suited him.  Pink too.  Sky blue was his color.  Actually, all colors suited him, His attires!  A decent smile on his face could lit the world!  A man with sparkling eyes.  A man with love and hope.  But, the girl l...

 I am crying my heart out,  My lungs are screaming and whimpering in agony.  After a decade, I am crying loud for you like a new born child ushered into the world.  You know Adam?! I don't like the new.  I am good with the old.  I like old town,  Old watches,  Old scrolls,  Old classics and  Old you! I wanted to grow old with you. But, you know my hair is turning grey without you. You know I am suffering.  Suffering without you- In regrets, in guilt and in loneliness.  I know I can never find someone like you.  I wish if learning this lesson was enough for the God in heavens to return you to me. God, tell Adam that Eve has learnt to value memories. How can I remove you out my system?! You are my most favourite person.  I never loved shallow.  Oh, I still so deeply immensely love you.  Now, in loss of a limb, I cry and whimper like a dog in midnight, Crawling in my bed,  Pouring my heart into this nevere...

 The last token of your love was a bag,  A Tommy Hilfiger.  I wish I could carry all the memories inside.  I wish I could take care of you as much as I take care of that bag.  Why do I care so much?!  Because, I wanted to keep a part of you with me. You know It's always there.  You reside in my heart.  Now, when I carry that bag with me I feel you are beside me, near me.  I carry your innocent face in my eyes,  Back in my mind, I replay our good old times, How you used to hold my hands.  Swirl me like a barbie in the air.  I never knew I would feel the same happiness in anyone else later.  You are irreplaceable.  Why so?! I cannot see such innocence in other's eyes.  You know eyes speak volume about the soul.  Your eyes always searched for me.  They never wanted to see much.  Nor do they wanted to explore others.  My ill lot.  My ill fate.  My ill thoughts.  I lost you.  No...

We keep reliving our trauma again and again until we heal.  Every encounter teach me that each situation, each context vary.  But, everything links me back to the same joint from where it has all begun.  People say let bygones be bygone,  They say to start over.  It's not a project to run over again after the failure.  It's a matter of heart and the specifics of it.  The specificity matters because not everyone can fit in the mold.  If you have some ideals and preconceived notions, with that bar set high you can't move over.  But, we have always treated others as experimental project,  We care less what might come after.  Hearts are not to be played with,  Because, it's not sensible.  The heart will always wait for the specific.  Pray for its arrival.  The heart will long for the other,  It will always want to reunite with its other half.  Or, it will look for someone alike,  But, the failure will ...