Writer's own thoughts!

 Brick by brick I have built myself, Picked from the abyss— dust still clinging to my ribs, History still trembling in my wrists. Inconveniently and incomprehensibly irreplaceable - I am. I am therefore, I think.  No architect curved this heart, No tender hand measured the fractures. I gathered ruins in silence, Stacked them against the grind, Called it a wrestle. In the wrestling of hearts I lost parts of me,  Parts of my life in insignificant matters. What mattered once doesn’t matter anymore. They said collapse is feminine— Soft, inevitable, vocal. But I learned the discourse of debris. I learned how to make a spine out of broken evenings. If you sit all alone in that prayer mat, You begin to swallow your own endurance. Salt becomes memory. Tears becomes testimony. Hunger for a connection becomes a private revolution or perhaps, A silent call for evolution.  Transforming the previous self that used to destruct every connection.  You are a havoc,  A galva...

 The problem is I loved people,  But, people loved the idea of me being lonely,  People stays for their convenience not love,  That's why you want to be their necessity,  But, again, when you feel needed, you understand their greed and neediness,  That's what make you distant,  Distant of all the actants!  I am most scared of love,  Even, God's love is controlling too! ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time Frame: 3rd November, 2024, Rokeya Hall, DU

  Never have I seen any eyes so beautiful,  The eyes that reflected pain- Pain of losing someone close,  Yet, uttering- damn! I don't care!  Never have I heard words so beautiful- That says, you took a part of me with you,  That's never meant to be repaired!  What is that stopping you from trying again?!  It's the fear!  Fear of becoming vulnerable, then broken- Fear of attachments that are destined to wane, Washing away your sane- You crumble like sand- In the hands of the favourites, Well, there's no pure soul-  That can love beyond the oceans,  Beyond the seasons, in every greys!  Even the nature changes it course,  Even the contexts changes,  Words loses its meanings,  Attachments loses It's grip, So does your intentions,  Whatever fills you with joy,  Voids you from the core,  Once emptied- love can't be recycled!  ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy Time Frame: 2023, DU

  Everytime I give someone place above me, I get hit bad,  Everytime I show utter obedience,  In return, I only get set-backs,  Each time I try to trust someone blindly,  I get betrayed and taken advantage of,  Everytime I hope for some care,  Some importance,  Sidelined, I remain! Expecting from wrong people and contexts is at fault,  Choosing wisely is the cure though,  Resurrection is possible- but how many times ? I am tired playing a pheonix role,  Rising from the ashes always from time to time. Born to be a 'Phoenix' but now I am tired, I need some love, some care! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 2023, DU

It was that, I didn’t need you in any case,  Still, I attached my strings with you,  It is that, I don't need any kinds of attention or validation from you, I am fine on my own,  Not even needing any gentle smooches from you!  It was that, I could love you without you being present from a distance,  I could love you in my imagination—build your character appealing to delude my mind,  It was that I made hypotheses and assumptions.  That you are not evil, you are not bad, I ignored the facts. I just kept pacifying myself, leaving me unsatisfied behind.  It was that, I never cared for myself,  I always thought about you,  It was that, I so unloved myself that all the love was left I gave it only to you!  I gave so much until the breaking point emerged- I gave so much that it crossed the limits and showed me the threat-that It's time now to love myself, to think about my god damn own self, I had to unlearn to love you,  I had to pr...

Ardelia once said,  "Don't, seduce me,  The abused ones don’t get seduced easily! Don't try to manipulate me,  Broken people never mends their hearts, They don't  trust and gives in so hastily!"  With a heavy pounded heart,  My roses fell upon the ground,  Seasons changed, petals dried,  But, the bliss of love never occurred!  Ardelia was hopeless in love, so was my wait! She never believed in love and I never got the chance to show her the world that she deserved! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy Time Frame: 2023, Rokeya Hall, DU

  Yes, it is true; you were a part of my life And I grieve for you.  If a part of life had to be abandoned and shredded off,  It is a reminder that it was a fair share of life, so valuable!  Yes, I grieve for you, but I can't think about going into the same pain, same hell, you put me through.  I can't think of a reconciliation, as every time it causes an annihilation.  Destruction of me and there has been no cure!  You were a necessary evil.  I bait my heart at the wrong queue.  Yes, I am at fault.  Because I fell into the lure of devils,  To fall in love was my fault!  A crime that can't be rewound,  A sin that can't be erased,  A vice that has only swirls and turns,  A fault that has only punishment with no redemption!  Forever, chained with the stain!  I see no bail, no assurance!  ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy July, 2023,...

Who told you that I want to live my own life and leave you? Who told you that I want to separate myself in the blink of an eye and go to opposite bays surrounded by solitude? I always wanted to build a home with you.  But you never meant to be!  You couldn’t be my home.  You couldn’t ensure my safety and sanity!  My home became a jail with you.  My mind became a slave.  My life is entangled with your melodramas.  My reliance became pawned.  I had to lose you to find me.  I had to leave you in search of myself!  I wish you could think of being a part of mine.  But, no, you wanted to assimilate and  Dissolve me into your impurities.  Forgetting that I am ever divine,  Not made for shiny pearls, so clandestine.  But I could become your tangy clementine.  Sour but sweet,  You sucked all the goodness inside of me.  Whatever's left, I don't want to share it anymore.  Every time I share my kindness w...

I am unhappy because I've compared myself with a happier person than me today, I will be happy tomorrow if I compare myself with  less fortunate people; measuring my rate of success parallel with their motion and gains,  Relativity in all forms cause agony today or later,  Instead, I should compare my state with my very own essence- what shall and what I ought to become!  But, what if my potential was never meant to reach the destination?  What if the situation and context never changed-  I am the same from where I begun?!  I understood now that we fight relatively every now and then, only to change the circumstances that circumscribes our enormous dreams and potential,  Inner calling- whatever we call it,  We love what fulfills our desire,  Desires shape our action, so does the future! People varies only in terms of desires to desire!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy July, 2023

If rationality sways away all the sensuality;  Replaces emotionality with reality,  Then, there is no scope of hurting,  No place for grievances and no place for feelings, It's always the logic-that speaks the volume,  But, what to do with the tears that flows? What to do with the anger that runs through the vein? What to do with the agony that is created from helplessness?!  True! Emotions can't be replaced or suppressed,  Though, intellectuals always have had and will continue having a love-hate relationship with sensuality, as they struggle between what to validate!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy Circa: 2023, Rokeya Hall, DU

Loneliest in the crowd,  Saddest amongst the happiest,  Complicated but not fabricated,  Authentic but appear to be mingled, Yet, sometimes you acknowledge me as strong,  You see me as brave,  You look upon the brightest smile I give upon you,  But, never trying to interpret the backstage,  The behind scenes,  The sleepless diluted nights,  The agony in my shivering voice,  The pain in my eyes,  No, you only look into my strength,  You wanna see my stoic appearance,  But, never want to measure my depth,  As, I am looking validation in a wrong place, How can you understand me when you don't have any depth?!  Pretended to be deep but shallow as a hollowed snail, a thug you were!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy Circa: 2023, Rokeya Hall, DU

I wanted you to understand me,  and, guess what,  You understood that you can play along with me! But, not for too long!  Ardelia said, "Don't trust anyone’s decency,  Its almost fake,  Its not always about you but entirely about them! Never show your truer self to others,  People wait to strike you at your lowest,  They try to read you,  So that they can turn over the page, They want to write your story, build your characters, Don't forget that you are the sole author of your book, the layman of the layout,  Never tell your part of story for cheaper interpretations,  They want to triumph you as it satiates their desire, Faking out to fake people for fake reasons in this fake world is the ultimate agony for an authentic soul in the sedimentary  repercussions,  We give a fake smile with fake gestures,  Are there any feelings truer?!  No, Jonas, you are wrong, There ain't any!  You are a machine, robotic,  All...

You are an embarrassment to me that I want to hide,  You are an annoyance to me that I don't want to embrace!  You were a 'Headache' that I wanted to get rid off, You were a monotony thay I wanted to cut down.  You were a pain in **, I just wanted to shake you off, You were a laughing stock, whom I took lightly for all it was a trapping situation.  You thought you can compel me!!? Do whatever you want to do with me?!  See me acing now,  I am a rider, an escalator and you are the stairs, Lower your expectations now.  High hopes are gone long ago,  You should have kept your gaze down,  You thought I was a victory, But, to you, I am a drought.  See me now, how I take revenge, You were in my plot,  See me, how I move on,  How in the blinks of eyes I can forget you,  Replace you with my higher unity,  The girl who was locked up is obsessed with freedom now.  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy Circa: 2023, Rokeya Hall, DU

Dripping it in a form of dew,  Oh, I was a dew-clad,  Dripping it as a sea drop.  Foams forming in a shade,  I was so glad.  My wait was over, but in vain.  A blood clot in my vein screams your name.  I was totally insane!  Keeping aside the logistics of logic,  And, calculation of rationals,  I gave in to sentiments, thinking you were the one. Taking a leap of faith, is it fair?!  Sometimes brevity and bravery are caused by naivety of innocuous innocence,  I was innocent when I fell under your seductive spell. I was foolish to succumb to your manipulated game.  But, in the end, you lost the pendant; it was evident! I came out with a victory, healed on this journey.  A bunch of learned lessons is available.  Dripping over my face from the mountain-cloud,  Your taunts were loud enough to break my doubt.  Without giving a second thought, I had to leave you.  A thought I gave pause to many, many times...

Sometimes you need to be a failure to be someone's favorite.  Sometimes all you need is to become docile and all fragile just to be in favor.  Sometimes you need to be meek and mutilated just to boost someone else's ego.  They demand you be weak to earn their attention.  The echo of false ego!  Sometimes you can't be yourself in the shadow of selfish beings on the planet.  Sometimes, all they do is sabotage you.  All they want to do is feel superior.  All they want to do is exploit the weaker and  feel the strength of power by doubling your misery— That gives them ultimate satisfaction.  Kill them with your kindness.  Be just yourself.  Be so independent of them that nothing can bind you with them.  Less worry about them, as all they want is to provoke you to think about them.  They care less about them, as all they want is to be the center of all attention.  They crave approval.  Don't give them full contro...

Give people the love that you never had!  Show people the kindness that you never had seen!  Listen to others needs and dispositions like these are your own,  Fill yourself with immense love, fun and activity that no negativity can bind you with and make you blind!  But, listen to those who are actually needy,  Love  those who are worthy,  Shower those with kindness who are genuinely good hearted people just like you,  Do all the good to people who are deserving,  No more shall undeserving people be served and saved with your kind energy!  These type of synergy shall break you,  Wreck you at the end and kill your kindness,  Kill your passion of helping people,  Kill your grace and kill your greatness, Oh, don't forget you were born to be great,  Don't forget this just for some scoundrels in your life,  Don't force yourself you to be someone else that you don't want to be. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy Circa: Feb,...

Ahlan wa Sahlan ya Ramadan,  The month of peace, integrity, and unity came back again after a blossoming summer.  The righteous ones who seek God in the walks of their lives fast,  The kind ones who want to provide service to mankind fast,  The upright ones who establish justice in all acts fast.  The pure-hearted ones who belong to the God fast, The jovial ones who want to spread happiness in the gloomy parts of the world fast.  The courageous ones who fight against all odds fast,  The truth-seeker who wants to know the unknown and discover facts fasts.  The cheerful ones who form beautiful relationships with others fast,  The believer who believes in equity fasts,  The patient ones who endure all the wrongdoings but don’t bow down yet remain so calm, fast,  In the month of refraining, the essence of mankind comes forth.  In the month of purification, all the hearts unite in the sacred way of a disciplined life order.  If...

My dad was an immigrant,  And, he was a champ,  My dad was an immigrant,  He would work hard day and night,  He would do all the odds to keep us happy,  My dad was an immigrant,  He would do hell lots of part-times,  My dad was an immigrant,  He was a hard working man, an engineer- he would experiment with colors and paints but he was an immigrant- it was so hard for him to raise a family, but he would provide us with all kinds of amenities he could ever dream of,  My dad was an immigrant,   He would work so hard- Day and night,  He would build a house, a car and a stable business,  But, My dad was an immigrant and he couldn’t last,  Hard toils broke him,  He couldn’t enjoy the wealth,  He left us,  He left the world,  He left us behind without enjoying the life,  My father was an immigrant,  He couldn't afford any pleasure securing our future,  My dad swallowed his dignity to build ...

I wanted to make you proud but you you didn’t believe in me,  I wanted to provide,  But, you didn’t aid,  I wanted to stay but you always betray - You astray from the ideals- You are never gonna understand - Always resisting the change!  Look what you have made me do,  Look what I have become,  I always wanted to love you but  you became my biggest lesson and a thorn in the throat to be removed.  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy Circa: 2023