Writer's own thoughts!

T he girl reframes her fears as strength,  She is scared to go out and then she claims It's danger, She is scared of real intimacy and then she says they all want the same.  The girl wants to recalibrate but she is stuck in a bad memory that told her she wasn't loved but exploited,  She wants to move forward but she keeps repeating attracting the same who wants her body not her soul.  She wants to whisper her soul's story but she couldn’t find anyone who can listen to her thoughts,  But, it seems she is looking for something miraculous.  But, whatever finds her way somehow comes out to be malicious.  She looks into the infinity and it seems to her it's her imagination,  She is happy in her  bubbles of imaginations.  She is safe there.  No harm.  No delusions. But, now at the end of the day, she understands  the demons  of her imagination are eating her- alive in a grotesque manner,  Gradually and slowly, she is t...

A black widow in the passageway,  Always waiting, always recalibrating,  But never initiating.  She is stuck in her darkened nights with an armored blazer.  Cold nights don’t frighten her anymore. She is friends with demons.  A black widow in her prime, She is the occurrence, and she is the time. A black widow in the passageway— Not merely waiting, but curating silence, thread by thread, she weaves a boundary between intrusion and selfhood. Silence is her power, Steadiness her strength, Firmness is her obsession, Not merely stubbornness but a cure. She holds her unhealed heart in a vacuum  and never fills it with venom. Venom of passionate love that is not meant to stay. Though she keeps peeping from the side eyes that want to catch a sight, A gaze of wisdom, Perhaps the wisdom of loss has taught her prevention. Whilst the wisdom of preservation has taught her not to surrender— To any situation, That may involve a compromise of persona, and that would belit...

 The girl with long, straight black hair and straight eyes looks into you, Looks through your soul. The girl with long, straight hair and a straight face sits in front of you, Smile on her face, spark lost in her eyes, Trying to speak your mind, but she knows what it wants to say. You just want to grab her from the back and attain her length. To her, she has come across a long road—a rocky one. She has witnessed bloodshed. Loss of lives—all wasted. Loss of love—all haunted. Loss of autonomy—all replaced.  Loss of feelings—all rampaged. She represses what she loves the most. She loves love and wants to reciprocate. But she knows too much. She knows it will end before even arriving. She knows what depth is. So, the girl with long, straight black hair and a long, straight face is scared of superficial shadows. She is scared of the moon that holds back its stature. She is scared of the stars that tell different tales but end up in different spaces! She is scared of possession. So,...

  একটা গোটা ইতিহাস লিখেছি বেনামে, এবার আরেকটা ইতিহাস লিখব-  সম্পূর্ণ আমার নামে- আমার জন্যে! I have sculpted an entire history for others,  Now I will write another story-  This time only for me, for my own sake!  ©®

  Still I have desires in me when I see you in red,  Still I can feel the warmth of your skin under the scorching heat. Still I can feel the urge of immensely loving you,  Finding myself having an infatuating connection with you. Still I can see my eyes rolling backwards and I smile when I occasionally see you.  Still I have that fire that can burn the bridges and entire cities.  Still I love swings and I would love you to scroll down me. Red suits you.  So does the quiet smile on your face.  Still I think I can fall in love,  Only if you are brave enough to chase and confess to me!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time stamp: 10 pm, Lake. 16th april, 2026

  In the eyes of the beholder, dried flowers are beautiful—Their colors muted, Their edges curled like whispered secrets. Fresh flowers shout for attention, Bold in their blush, Tempting every glance with fleeting sweetness. The opportunists reach for them, Hands quick to scratch, hearts unsteady, Dazzled by perfume and flash. But the connoisseurs linger— they see the poetry in fading, The strength in stems that have endured timestamps, storms and rhythms of life. The wisdom written in petals turned bronze and gold. They know that true beauty does not need applause, That elegance grows with patience, That composure is found in subtle decay. While fresh blooms bow to the sun, Dried flowers hold the moon, Quietly sovereign, Speaking only to those who can listen, Revealing a taste refined, A love that does not chase, But understands. The connoisseur knows the art of love,  She doesn’t seek obedience.  What she seeks is valuation in a dignified bound....  She values what...

After losing you, I learned how silence can grow teeth— How it can bite through a childhood and leave no visible wound. After losing you, The house became a hallway of echoes, Your voice folded into absence, A door that never opened again. A mug of coffee half sipped,  An envelop of tender letters unzipped,  Codes of silent words undrafted,  Poems of regrets unwritten, A silhouette kept unwoven,  A heart left ingrafted,  An iceberg remains on top of the mountain intact - unaffected.  And, here you invaded in my life like an infection.... Lost in spiral of detachment and affection. After losing you, Love arrived like a promise and left like a lesson— Too quickly, too quietly, Taking parts of me I didn’t yet know how to name. And there were other losses No one writes elegies for— The body no longer mine in the way it once was, Trust slipping like water through unready hands, A girlhood interrupted mid-sentence. I grew into a control freak now.... Trying ...

A decade went lamenting for you, A decade spent ranting about you, A series of decade has gone by blaming you.  Now I look inwards,  After three century living all by myself- self partnered,  I have learnt that you are not to be accused of not me loving myself enough. It was because I didn’t accept myself and my surrounding could you make me feel the dearth of dignity...... Now the wings of serenity wraps around me. Because, this time I know nobody can make me feel that way anymore- vulnerable, helpless, alone despite having it all.  This time I know It's not my lack of possessions but lack of your integrity and lack of my dignity that we were binded together for so long.... Now I have chosen myself.... My dignity uproars at the city halls... It was never a war of belonging...  It is a war of dignity and still after  thousands of decades I will chose dignity over compromising.  Because, you have taught me well, that I can live without you even outgrew ...

 Why women day's  color a violet?  A symbol of violet flowers on rough terrains,  A symbol of violet on violent phase,  A symbol of chastity without proving any shit or laying evidence,  Who tells a man to prove his honor and worth?! Even women's beauty is also capitalized that captures you the most,  You only know to captivate whatever captures your attention,  You only know to devour in the name of extravagance and consumerism,  But, why not a different socialization ? Why not you learn something different?  There should be more feminist among men and less patriarchs in women, There shall be practice of acceptance and a preach of wisdom, that men and women have various roles to carry but none shall be given authority over another, None shall be advocating to be a domineer, Women are not subjects to rule,  Women are not objects to consume,  Women are not a aspect to use,  Women are not subjugated to any convent or club,...

 One soul mourning for two—the one who loved her, And the one whom she has loved. All of them ended with a tragic trajectory where ends meet nowhere. They might meet in a river where there were no banks, But only the sediments of memory of each getting wronged. I think lovers don't really miss each other completely. Perhaps, partly, they miss the establishment that gave them comfort, validation, and shared ownership of joy and belongingness. But do they ever belong to each other? Or, is it just for the sake of the establishment that they cling to each other? The establishment that labels neediness as love?! Perhaps! Well, who dissects love in such a critical manner? Only a fool who lost in the paradox of love tries to solve a puzzle she was never meant to solve anyways! ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time Frame: 6.46 am, Tagar, MIST

 Brick by brick I have built myself, Picked from the abyss— dust still clinging to my ribs, History still trembling in my wrists. Inconveniently and incomprehensibly irreplaceable - I am. I am therefore, I think.  No architect curved this heart, No tender hand measured the fractures. I gathered ruins in silence, Stacked them against the grind, Called it a wrestle. In the wrestling of hearts I lost parts of me,  Parts of my life in insignificant matters. What mattered once doesn’t matter anymore. They said collapse is feminine— Soft, inevitable, vocal. But I learned the discourse of debris. I learned how to make a spine out of broken evenings. If you sit all alone in that prayer mat, You begin to swallow your own endurance. Salt becomes memory. Tears becomes testimony. Hunger for a connection becomes a private revolution or perhaps, A silent call for evolution.  Transforming the previous self that used to destruct every connection.  You are a havoc,  A galva...

 The problem is I loved people,  But, people loved the idea of me being lonely,  People stays for their convenience not love,  That's why you want to be their necessity,  But, again, when you feel needed, you understand their greed and neediness,  That's what make you distant,  Distant of all the actants!  I am most scared of love,  Even, God's love is controlling too! ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time Frame: 3rd November, 2024, Rokeya Hall, DU

  Never have I seen any eyes so beautiful,  The eyes that reflected pain- Pain of losing someone close,  Yet, uttering- damn! I don't care!  Never have I heard words so beautiful- That says, you took a part of me with you,  That's never meant to be repaired!  What is that stopping you from trying again?!  It's the fear!  Fear of becoming vulnerable, then broken- Fear of attachments that are destined to wane, Washing away your sane- You crumble like sand- In the hands of the favourites, Well, there's no pure soul-  That can love beyond the oceans,  Beyond the seasons, in every greys!  Even the nature changes it course,  Even the contexts changes,  Words loses its meanings,  Attachments loses It's grip, So does your intentions,  Whatever fills you with joy,  Voids you from the core,  Once emptied- love can't be recycled!  ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy Time Frame: 2023, DU

  Everytime I give someone place above me, I get hit bad,  Everytime I show utter obedience,  In return, I only get set-backs,  Each time I try to trust someone blindly,  I get betrayed and taken advantage of,  Everytime I hope for some care,  Some importance,  Sidelined, I remain! Expecting from wrong people and contexts is at fault,  Choosing wisely is the cure though,  Resurrection is possible- but how many times ? I am tired playing a pheonix role,  Rising from the ashes always from time to time. Born to be a 'Phoenix' but now I am tired, I need some love, some care! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 2023, DU

It was that, I didn’t need you in any case,  Still, I attached my strings with you,  It is that, I don't need any kinds of attention or validation from you, I am fine on my own,  Not even needing any gentle smooches from you!  It was that, I could love you without you being present from a distance,  I could love you in my imagination—build your character appealing to delude my mind,  It was that I made hypotheses and assumptions.  That you are not evil, you are not bad, I ignored the facts. I just kept pacifying myself, leaving me unsatisfied behind.  It was that, I never cared for myself,  I always thought about you,  It was that, I so unloved myself that all the love was left I gave it only to you!  I gave so much until the breaking point emerged- I gave so much that it crossed the limits and showed me the threat-that It's time now to love myself, to think about my god damn own self, I had to unlearn to love you,  I had to pr...

Ardelia once said,  "Don't, seduce me,  The abused ones don’t get seduced easily! Don't try to manipulate me,  Broken people never mends their hearts, They don't  trust and gives in so hastily!"  With a heavy pounded heart,  My roses fell upon the ground,  Seasons changed, petals dried,  But, the bliss of love never occurred!  Ardelia was hopeless in love, so was my wait! She never believed in love and I never got the chance to show her the world that she deserved! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy Time Frame: 2023, Rokeya Hall, DU

  Yes, it is true; you were a part of my life And I grieve for you.  If a part of life had to be abandoned and shredded off,  It is a reminder that it was a fair share of life, so valuable!  Yes, I grieve for you, but I can't think about going into the same pain, same hell, you put me through.  I can't think of a reconciliation, as every time it causes an annihilation.  Destruction of me and there has been no cure!  You were a necessary evil.  I bait my heart at the wrong queue.  Yes, I am at fault.  Because I fell into the lure of devils,  To fall in love was my fault!  A crime that can't be rewound,  A sin that can't be erased,  A vice that has only swirls and turns,  A fault that has only punishment with no redemption!  Forever, chained with the stain!  I see no bail, no assurance!  ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy July, 2023,...

Who told you that I want to live my own life and leave you? Who told you that I want to separate myself in the blink of an eye and go to opposite bays surrounded by solitude? I always wanted to build a home with you.  But you never meant to be!  You couldn’t be my home.  You couldn’t ensure my safety and sanity!  My home became a jail with you.  My mind became a slave.  My life is entangled with your melodramas.  My reliance became pawned.  I had to lose you to find me.  I had to leave you in search of myself!  I wish you could think of being a part of mine.  But, no, you wanted to assimilate and  Dissolve me into your impurities.  Forgetting that I am ever divine,  Not made for shiny pearls, so clandestine.  But I could become your tangy clementine.  Sour but sweet,  You sucked all the goodness inside of me.  Whatever's left, I don't want to share it anymore.  Every time I share my kindness w...

I am unhappy because I've compared myself with a happier person than me today, I will be happy tomorrow if I compare myself with  less fortunate people; measuring my rate of success parallel with their motion and gains,  Relativity in all forms cause agony today or later,  Instead, I should compare my state with my very own essence- what shall and what I ought to become!  But, what if my potential was never meant to reach the destination?  What if the situation and context never changed-  I am the same from where I begun?!  I understood now that we fight relatively every now and then, only to change the circumstances that circumscribes our enormous dreams and potential,  Inner calling- whatever we call it,  We love what fulfills our desire,  Desires shape our action, so does the future! People varies only in terms of desires to desire!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy July, 2023