Writer's own thoughts!

  There is a strange grief reserved for those of us who have lived our lives learning the arithmetic of departure - who have folded home and bits of themselves in the large suitcases, carried entire neighbourhood, relations behind the ribcage of their hearts. They leave. They move on. They had to leave.  They no longer hope or believe in permanence. Because, each time they saw home within something they had to lose it. Lose it in the cruelty of situations. Still, they carry a part of them everywhere they go. They keep furnishing the empty rooms with the tenderness of belongingness and ownership - no matter how temporary it is. Each time we leave, people ask us about the thrill of new beginnings, the excitement of exploring new streets, building new homes- within people and spaces in a brand new city. They ask me how do we feel who are just messengers of love and devotion, of sincerity, who keep moving one city to another- ever migrating, ever moving begun from childhood and la...

May Almighty, in his immeasurable capacity and wisdom with his trembling mercy never weave my fate with the melancholic souls those who ever found peace in my ruins, happiness in my helplessness and who took my fractures for pleasures, humbleness as weakness and who lingered at the altar of my griefs and named their fascination and need for my dependence as devotion. May those who adored me most when my voice found no place, my words vague, my tongue wrapped with uncertainty, when my boundaries dissolved like salt in the ocean, never reach me when I become an island.  When my spirit fitted into the molds not meant to hold the vast spirit of mine, when I craved the crumbs of affection, may they stay far away from my belongings and I may stay out of their bounds, out of their reach, may their malicious hands never touch me again. Before that, may their filthy hands cut open and get drained in the guttery drainage.  As there are those people the world is filled with who do not ch...

 Some people soften remembering their forsaken ones. Their voice loses its sharpness,  Their anger flies quietly like old letters shattered beneath the bedding.  A familiar song from distance and then they remember,  The walls they have built with pride and ego slowly begins to tremble in the flickers of regrets. They revisit memories they once buried with stubborn mind. The unfinished chapter they wanted to close remains unending.  The eyes they avoided becomes a testimony of their ruins.  The love they call weakness is simply too heavy to carry- burdened by regrets and grievances of an irreplaceable love.  Some people become kinder with age not because life taught them mercy, but because regrets did.  Because, somewhere in between the upheavals,  Someone waited for them sincerely and they abandoned the devotion for their ego, pride, hustle and immaturity or for the illusion that another person will love them with the same intensity.  A...

There is no quick fix for a person that has engraved a name so deeply in her heart. People speak of moving on, healing, covering up the wounds, finding replacements, joy in quick fixes as if the heart was a cracked screen to be fixed within an hour, As if love were a habit that we can outgrow and let go with discipline.  So, I tried.  I tried all routines, all schemes, all heavy workloads to distract myself from loving you, From remembering you but I miserably failed. I come back to the turning point and it's always you.  God knows how I tried to forget you, But, strongly you return back in my consciousness.  I tried to hold the hands of the strangers,  I tried to feel their gentle strokes, tenderness of the touch but I felt nothing - they were empty.  I tried to look deep into their eyes but felt nothing- they were emptied souls.  Even there, I tried to search you in them, in their gaze, in their smiles, their gentle strokes.  Nothing was there!...

The life that I have curved was not a straight line. Yet, I refuse to bend in the mere delights....!  I deny to walk in the shadows that reigns the darkness.....!  The life that I have carved.... was never meant to be a straight line, It bled through midways in broken alleys, Through unfinished prayers,  Through storms that wore familiar faces.  Even in my breakdown I chose familiarity.  Even in my deathbed I chose humility.  Even in my darkest night I chose kindness and understanding, for those who shattered me unarmed into pieces.  Yet, I willfully oppose to kneel before the temporary delights that has no insights,  Tempting initiations that tend to seduce the weary soul, with every lifting sanctions they orbit around the same axis--- always revolving around -- meaninglessly, without any call.  I denied the comfort to sit with the shadows lurking beneath my soul, that cherishes the darkness within me- I revolt.  I revolt. Against, the ...

 He arrived like a spring rain on a drought-stricken day,  Infused with stale breath. The cause of my inner death and revival after ruins and chaotic devastations, The hope I became. I thought love had to be like theology. Complete faith that would have a final destination. I thought I was learning a new language— But, soon it became a language of silent bruises and wounds of a woman shrinking into repressed shadows acceptable under his pride. I walked on his shown path, I stomped upon those rocky trails, My legs bled with unseen bruises and scratches. They could not walk long. I was thirsty. Thirsty and hungry for love, But emotional hunger grew more and more for his tactics, Became a victim and survivor of his emotional games.  I was smitten, not merely with his face, But, his rescuer personality, I thought he would save me from drowning. I was drowning heedlessly. But, because of him, I drowned more  until I completely  submerged in the pitfalls. Oh, how care...

 There is a wave of sadness in my eyes. Deep-profound- unsettling! There is a wave of sadness in my eyes that I cannot hide. A stormy delight- That forgot the shore,  And, the old uproar, Quietly forming beneath my chest to explode in ache. My heart is drowned in the unspoken words that I never said before. People call it silence,  But, I call it resilience.  Because, silence has never been this loud that would awake them. Everybody in the town knows my secret. They can see the silent pain that I bear in my eyes, Through my glances they can rejoice the suffering I try to hide from them. Everybody can see through me- my losses.  It walks past me like a shadow in the crowded rooms, A lonely one hiding behind the broader smile. I carry a whole ocean and continent in my chest,  As if they were meant to be diversified.  Solidified memories swim in the ocean with salted taste, Bitter yet necessary to remember not to get attached- To the same pain again....

  It doesn't matter whether people look into my eyes and realize, There's a profound sadness. A grief so deep, so dark—that none can decipher. It doesn't matter at all. Because, no matter how much they understand me, My reasons: Nobody is going to love me for my sufferings.  It's always me before all of them. And people tend to take advantage of it.  A wounded bird with broken wings is bleeding. Yet, there will be some people who will play with her feathers. So, it doesn't matter whether they can see the sadness in my eyes. People won't love me for who I am; instead, they will look at what I have and what I can offer.   ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timeframe: 12.41 pm, Sc & Hum 

 You know, there was a lady locked in the castle  crying so loud that every neighbour used to wake up.  The walls learned her sorrow better than the passengers did,  Candles melted with heavy hearts listening to her regretful confessions as if conscience burning. Even the moon paused beside her window,  Curtains half covered like the crescent moon, Too wane to intervene. She talks back to the moon, Why everyone is so half-hearted?  Just like you?! The moon whispered, 'Whatever'!  She kept weeping. Loud. No one sees her soulful cries. Her screams kept the town awake. The midnight felt heavier.  Rumours spread in the town that she was cursed. A widow who always wear black.  That grief has built a castle in her chest.  The castle of loss and tragic ends.  Her each heartbeat was an attempt to be rescued from the pain she was chained with.  The heavy stone sat like a vest on her chest.  Some nights she screamed at God,  So...

I know today you will be intrigued by my allure, My intensity wrapped in mystery. But, the very next day,  You are going to hate me.... Hate me for the mist that swayed you,  Blurred your vision.  One last thing I would like is the dismissal of respect that you have for me.  So I remain plain, I stay placid... Flat like a lowland, So that your emotions don't flood my ground.  And, you don't get to climb the heights that were not meant for you.  Useless labor!  See, Adrian,  I have saved both your and my time- That we value.  The worth of love is written with high stakes, If only you intend to stay genuine.  The unfulfilled dream of mine keeps me awake and fuels me to think.  Think deeper than the ocean blue. My anguishes in blue takes another form of hue, If only you could understand the cue.  See Adrian, I don't like explorations, But, I know without moving to a new destination, I won't be able to find you.  ©® Farheen Ak...

I know Adrian, that you may love me abounds,  More than oceans, more than the Atlanta and  still not chose me.  Because, deep inside you know what I trigger in you. I shatter all your ego, you had to perform through your altar egos.  The multiple masks that you wear were defensive.  I understand.  I understand your stances and so I retreated.  I retrieved myself into my own trajectory, Locked myself in the self-imposed cage.  Because, deep inside I also know that, I am too much.  Too much to love,  Too much to handle.  Your depth is hollow and the water runs there is shallow.  You cannot hold me the way I am, I had to cut my wings to fit in your cage.  And, you had to become a tyrant to cut down my growing feathers.  The transition from a loving admirer to a tormentor is absolutely crazy.  In the frenzy of passion, we lost what we have built.  The sandy castle of love at last broke.  So, did your ego....

 The forsaken flowers that I leave behind,  Find my traces over there.  On the gentle trail alongside the cemented road, You will find them.  A white rose fallen as if forsaken.  I left it intentionally for you.  So, that you can find my smell from there. Pick the cues.  But, the stained petals of the flowers tell a different story.  They say, you won't understand decay.  You won't learn the language of love in ruins and ruminations.  You want to suppress the love you had for wrong people and so you have stopped loving the right ones.  The stain in the dead flower remarks,  What you leave behind doesn’t leave you.  They find you back to back where you've left it.  The tragedy of the fallen flower is, it is forsaken and collected for eye buds  to enjoy the decay.  The decay of greatness, color and mighty life.  The decay of a lively soul. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timeframe: 11.26 am, Tagar...

 You know Adrian,  Why some people pushes away other people?!  They are afraid.  They are scared that the person in front of them might be too good, Too good for them.  That they might terribly, utterly, despicably fall in love and lose themselves again.  The person is showing pure intentions and gentleness, His gentle strokes and kind touches are reminding you of the tenderness - That you earnestly wanted.  You were craving such innocence.  But, then you retreat.  You pull away.  You detach.  Why?!  Because, you remember last time how hardly you fell in love. Sometimes, Adrian, you know you give chance to those whom you think you won't love.  That's why being with them is convenient.  And, see you can leave them too easily,  Because, from the very first place it was clear, You won't love them back,  They are below your standards.   So, you just casually have a fling with them.  But, again, th...

 I never wished you would change.  I never wished to become the reason your innocence would be traded off.  I never thought the spark in your eyes will be gone, your smile less broadened and arms less wide, after my departure.  Never wished you to shrink into someone ordinary just to fit into my scrutiny.  Never thought you would fall from the mountains into muds, smearing dust and looking for shelter in bushes, after I left.  You changed slowly...... Not through loud noises. Not in volcanic eruption but in a silent catastrophe....!  A thousand little funerals within you were happening when I was away! I had been seeking love in wrong place then, while you were quietly building yourself-  In isolation,  Grinding through rough days!  Today you are everything a gentleman could be,  And, I am proud of the man who is of stature, whom once I loved dearly!  You know Adrian, love is cruel sometimes, Because, it asks for sacrifice in d...

The last time I held your hands,  They were cold.  That tore me apart when I understood there was no belongingness anymore.  I acknowledge what I lost.  The access to your heart and soul.  Whether your body remained close or not doesn’t matter.  I know I lost that soft spot.  And, I also know what losing means.  I can never recover it though how accessible it might seem.  I lost the premium access to your heart.  The soft spot that used to worship me like a deity.  I stomped upon it and got myself slaughtered.  No more offerings made,  No more flowers. After losing the soft spot I carry a dark spot in my heart- ever darkening, ever growing -  And, like a blackhole- I absorb.  I absorb grief like a staple.  The grief of losing a pure soul.  The man of a character and composure.  In you, both dignity and vanity uproars.  And, here I soar in pain. Whimper in anguish for losing you.  ©® Farhe...

 How will you teach me joy and light thinking, Adrian, when you know someone rejoices in sufferings?!  When you know you are here to suffer eternally! And, there is no escape from your miseries.  When you know there are no meaning, No significance,  No hope until we attach meaning and significance to it. There is no explanation until we justify it. We simply exist. To make existence simple we create meanings. We try to understand why do we suffer, Then, we attach reasons to it.  Otherwise, there is actually no reasons,  Again, no meanings.  You and I are just a continual of pattern, Of a destiny lived by our ancestors.  We are as primal as they were!  Their existence has shown us a cause, A path to walk on.  Their beliefs and rituals has covered up our lives, taught us to reason.  There is simply no hope.  We are here to fulfill our destiny prescribed by some other.  We exist hence we reason.  We justify our existenti...

 Stop!!!!  We are all dying in this madness. We are all dying for capitalizing by all we have and all that matters, Our hearts,  Our emotions, Our belongings and  Our close people.  Stop!!!!  We are all dying,  Our hearts stopped beating as we forgot to laugh together.  We lost the idea of having fun together when started to count every penny.  Stop!!!!  We are all dying because we lost touch with ourselves, we stopped enjoying each other's company.  Stop!!!!  Please, Stop! Have a break and pause.  Pause the cycle,  Reboot from where we began.  We were the child playing with mud.  The inner child in us is crying for playmates to smear mud. The inner child in us is crying to swim in the lake unbothered. Stop!!!!  We are all dying in this city craving for air to breath.  Stop!!!!  Have a break and pause.  We want to play with our friends and have dinner with our happy families.  Now, w...

 Irresponsibly you fall in love for experimenting the idea of love, to live it, to see how it feels.  Slowly, you get entrapped into it. Into the magical wand.  But, only time slipping through fingers like sands leaving its trace past the currents can say if it will survive the storm. Irresponsibly you fall into love, leak into it without knowing the outcome.  We don't predict future- a future that was meant to be, yet never forthcoming. A future that can't be in our hold and that we can't fold in our desired mold always keeps fleeting. Untouchable.  Undeniable.  Unrecognizable.  Undefeatable. We were never meant to last, not at least the fiction writers would portray- No clear conscience,  No clear boundaries,  No morals,  No dignity. Just two people weaving entire present and future only for it to become a bad memory. I gave you hours that could have built empires, You gave me games that still felt like understanding.  We both kne...