Poor heart

 

I know you don't love me, 

You just tend to own me, 

No need of pretense, 

I just know who you are. 

It was me who idealized you-

Of what you are and you are not, 

Of what you ought to be but couldn’t be, 

It was entirely my fault. 

I took you to the pedestal, 

Where none could climb,

I gave you a seat there deep seated in my psyche-

Filling the gaps that were never meant to be filled, 

Those who were responsible of loving me unconditionally did never really love me, 

Never showed me kindness, 

Those who were responsible to hear my plea,

Never did look at me for a blink, 

With a mercy in their eyes! 

You never meant to fill the void, 

But, you too are responsible-

For widening the gap, 

Making the void bigger than the void itself!

I know you never loved me, 

Because whomever I entrusted my love with never paid me back the half of the love I gave them-

A love in its entirety and originality-

They never repaid me back! 

Don't I owe them the love I gave so selflessly?!

Aren’t they afraid of the curse of the deprived soul? And, the spell of the loved ones?! 

Don't you think you should fear the tremendous love that only grew for you?! 

And, possibly could never grow for someone else, cause  you cropped the seed of love within me,

Nobody could put up so well like you, 

You pretended just like my mother, 

A highly ambitious ambiguous figure!

I could never meet up to her expectations, 

So, did yours!

As I was so different! 

You showed you can love me faithfully and unconditionally, but just like my mother your love was constraint, restrictive and in order, 

Calculative and smothering, 

Biting on every bet, on every move, 

Smartly cautious!

The fault in my stars- I took constraints as love, 

Chain as gain, cuff as hug,

And, bondage as bond, 

My fault- for I never explored true love! 

A free one- unrestrained and untamed, 

Unstrained and pure!

The fault in my stars- for I could not see,

I took the context to be true not wondering It's another pretext, 

Another lie, another pretence to be shot! 

For once, I thought all those comforting was true,

But, it was just another multilayered presence,

For I thought to be loved is to give everything away, I lost myself in love, then found myself back, my count down begins-

My way back to home-

A home that I have never seen yet brought so comfort,

It's me and my unfiltered heart that still knows how to love- unconditionally and unhesitatingly, 

Cause it knows the cost of loss, 

The forever griefing heart-

It knows what each loss cost,

So, it pours the remaining love, 

Sometimes pumps more and more until there is left none of it, still it pumps, 

Beats harshly to extract more love, 

The love is unending here, 

Never to die but to be more consanguine, 

Never to decay but to rebuild, to be purified,

That's why it stumbles upon every street dogs, 

Every beggars , every street children laying down without cloths,

It wants to cloth them, shelter them in her wide broad arms, 

The heart knows the pain of losing it all, 

Though it is full of love that was never served! Perhaps, reserved only for special occasions, 

But, alas, half-hearted people is never going to know what you have been put through, 

For they could only love you in fractions just like their fragmented personalities  to satisfy their fragile ego,

Selfish them has made you selfless-

In such a form that love is formless to you now!

It touches all, every being-

Inherited by all-

In the bees, in the flies, in the worms, in the trees, in the frogs that crawls!

But, what if you don't have the magical 'touch of Midas'?!

Instead, whatever you touch starts to decay and decompose, 

What if decomposition is the only love language you know,

Hence, people suffer.

Those who are connected with you and those who are not,

You too suffer-

Too much!

Cause you now fathom and acknowledge the harm you cause!

The decomposition of innocent  love  that some folks brought to earth! 

Like a foul bacteria you erode-

Eat the head, 

The back, 

The breath, 

The neck,

You eat whatever comes in front of you! 

You devour all the way around and burp,

You burp and fart-

And, throw the stool-

Now an excrement of love-

How stoop shall you fall?! 

Lower your standards?! 

A fungus in your heart caused a dearth of love in the entire world.

©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 

Time Frame: 3 am, Mirpur Cantonment. 

Note: Sleep is evaporated due to a heavy dosage of caffein! Thought I would work late at night, but poetry has consumed me and I cannot focus on my work, my art grapples me each time!