Writer's own thoughts!

A love without a body still trying to touch you.  Can you feel it, NZ? A love so sacred,  That doesn’t need your presence to feel loved. A love so pure,  That will sacrifice you for your sake.  A love so genuine, That will never hinder your ways but will always keep remembering you.  A love so rare,  That comes once in a century and mark hearts. A love so whole,  That doesn’t need you to love you!  My one sided love is enough for both of us. You remain in my prayers and that's more than enough.  You stay in my heart and that's the guiding anchor I don't want to error. The compass that takes me to the right route. A love so beautiful that only truth echoes.  Pouring my heart in vein when I know I cannot reach you. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 12.38 pm, Tagar

I understood I never actually loved you. Not because you were there with me,  Not because all the thrills were gained and there was no turning point.  I realized you were not the ideal image in my head. So, I stayed with you, without loving you.  Yes, we can perform.  We can act.  And, there is no actor better acting than a woman.  No one can have access to a woman's heart,  Nobody can read her. It's complex.  I never loved you.  I tried. But, I failed miserably. Because, you were not the ideal image in my head.  You couldn’t match that.  I am in love with an image. That's untouchable.  Unreachable.  Unfathomable.  Unattainable.  I am in love with a shadow. A mirage.  That's nowhere to be found. Unrecognizable.  What I thought was casual is real love,  And, what I thought real was a forgery,  An illusion. What I thought was mere distraction was actually a journey. Love is a complex theorem. A ...

 Why do people get attached with people different than themselves?!  A distraction. A delusion. A sham. Whereas, their hearts always look for similarities.  Similarity in sufferings,  In joy and taste,  Similarity in goals and works,  In character and outlooks,  In lifestyle and visions,  Their vibes and destination should match.  We look for similar socialization.  Still, why do people get attached with people different than themselves?! Maybe, to learn lessons, refine themselves.  Modify their visions, and understand their path. A detour in the midway can take you back to the pavilion,  What's not meant for you, would not stay!  A fallen nymph from the heacvens cries, She looks for her forsaken lover,  Nowhere to find! ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 9.30 am, Tagar

 You know NZ, I am grateful to her.  She has taken care of you in critical moments.  She loves you right that I couldn’t.  She is patient and resilient. She deserves your love, your name, your presence. I am utterly, immensely, truly grateful to her. She hasn’t let a lover die like a stray dog in midway.  She listened to you, healed you. Gave you shelter.  She is like a still water, always there. I am like a flowing river, never the same.  You are settled like a civilization there on the banks. With me, you would have to see a hurricane.  And, I care too much. I care too much that I don't want you to see the storms and chaos, upheavals. So, It's my love and sacrifice that I let you be with her. She is your home.  Your peace in the chaos.  I am grateful to her. Whoever loves you right, takes care of you, I am grateful to them.  I always pray for your happiness, dear charmer!  In my heart, I will always keep drawing your portrait...

 Moving on feels like a betrayal to me. It terrifies me from the core,  Moving on feels like a betrayal to me,  Because, it would mean I have left you behind and forgotten you.  Moving on feels heavy,  I want to relish the moments. I live in my head where both you and me are playing in the field.  Resting on your arms. Moving on feels terrifying, Because, one day I will forget you with another's love.  Moving on feels heavy,  Because, that day I feel I will betray you, Your memories. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 8.51 am, Tagar

 If It's not a love like yours,  I won't absorb. I won’t chase a love that doesn’t feel like home. I would rather be alone,  Atoned to death,  Survive all alone.  No sparkling eyes, no empty embraces can make me forget you.  If It's not a love like yours,  I would rather be alone.  Embrace cold nights,  Sit with my shadows,  Wait in the dark corners of my mind,  Put light in the valleys, Galleries of memory, And, walk through the hills all alone.  The alleys will show my footsteps,  The birds will chirp your name on my behalf. If It's not a love like yours,  I would deny all the advances that forth comes.  Roses with thorns aren’t allowed.  If It's not a love like yours,  I would burn the corpses in my heart,  And, lit the fire in my bones, hold the last breath to remember your face. If It's not a love like yours,  I would rather be alone,  Because, every other love feels like stone. I wi...

 The kind of face that stirs the hearts of sires,  That wrecks ships, brings disasters,  Disrupts oceans. The kind of beauty men would go war for and steal empires. Lock her down in shackles. Men go mad around her,  That's why she runs faraway,  Always keeping distance.  The kind of love that stirs up the constellations and falcon's wings, Not measured, not temporal, but intentional,  Infinity some- deity like. That colors the entire regime in red. The kind of fate that stirs up the heavens and confronts the in-charge of universes! Waiting for that kind of love that will stir up her life and shake up the world!  Not just with touches, but with an intentional force, For good to set aflame! But, with the tumultuous blusters, In the rage of storms and hurricanes,  She lost her charm, Magnetic pull and affinity,  So many losses recounted. Loss of words,  Loss of motives and emotions! Loss of lovers and their affections!  She is los...

 My refined version only you deserved it— Not the fragmented drafts I handed out to passing souls, Not the hurried sentences stitched together from loneliness and late-night confessions that meant nothing by morning, But the slow, deliberate language of a heart that had finally learned the cost of being read carelessly. I would have given you the pauses too— Those sacred silences between words where truth breathes without performance, Where touch does not beg for validation and love is not measured in how loudly it announces itself, But in how gently it stays. You would have known me in my unedited form, Not the diluted metaphors I scattered like loose change, Not the half-felt affections I mistook for depth, But the full-bodied ache of a soul that writes only when it means it, That stays only where it is seen, Where it is felt, Where it is valued and understood. Because with you, I would not have negotiated my worth in fragments, Would not have bartered sincerity for temporary war...

 I deserve to suffer, Suffer eternally. Burn in the hellfire and never resurrect. I deserve to be dismembered, Bone by bone, Skin by skin, Teeth by teeth, I shall be turnished. Piece by piece,  Time to time, From head to toe, I shall be skinned. Uprooted and deshaveled in the beginning. Dear NZ, once you asked me, How does your love end so quickly? Because, from deep inside I am hollowed, Raised with insecurities. And, lived with trials of torments. The love I did not get at the prime could not be filled with your immense intensity. So, I fled.  I devalued what I had! I shall be dethroned from the pedestal of ego. The alter ego that I have built. But, who is to be blamed? My bucket of love was empty from within, from the beginning. It was not up to you to fill up. Now, I take the responsibility. So, I remain unattached, unfazed, frozen when it comes to the question of love and bonding.  I cannot destroy people anymore. I have destroyed both you and me in the wake of ...

Who but a trafficker of hearts would lay bare the body before those who know not the worth of touch? Tell me— Are tender, trembling moments meant for everyone, or, only for the rare ones who arrive with reverence in their hands? Delicate decency in their hearts? There are artisans of affection who sell the soul so cheaply, Bartering emotions in crowded markets, Settling accounts of longing as if love were bitcoins and registrars. But, when every transaction is closed, Who then reckons the debt of touch? Who remains spread across the chambers of the heart, and who slips away like dust in wind out of sight? Who are in and out of mind?! Whom the soul forgets?! Is the heart so easy to possess? If a soul could be won merely in exchange for skin and closeness, Then this world would hold not a single forsaken lover, Not one wretched heart left starving at the gates of love. Burnt in the fire of love ruthlessly,  In desire of mercy dissolving pride. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time...

 স্পর্সের কদর বোঝেনা যারা, তাদের কাছে দেহ বিলোয় কে মনবেপারী ছাড়া? স্পর্সকাতর মুহুর্তগুলো কি সবার জন্যে হয় নাকি? মন কারিগর যারা কত সস্তায় বিকোয় মন, করে মনের দেনাপাওনা। লেনদেন সব মিটে গেলে স্পর্সের হিসাব দেয় কে? কে কতখানি মন জুড়ে রয়, কেবা ছুটে চলে যায়। এত সহয নাকি মন পাওয়া? স্পর্সের বিনিময়ে যদি পাওয়া যেত মন, তাহলে এ বিশ্বে থাকত না কোনো প্রেমিক হতভাগা।  ©® ফারহীন আক্তার ভুঁইয়া ন্যান্সি  সময়: রাত ১২.১২, টগর।

 My soul still whispers your name with delicate care, Even when guilt is running thick in the air, The lungs filled with regrets, I trace my faults in the darkest nights and stare at the stars to find fault in them. I wish I had chosen softer fights, no distance over the slightest arguments. If love means declaring truth, Then, listen the truth I owe to you, I am standing still with a heart full of love for you. I stay, I ache in pain. I love you the same.  I take all the blame. I fold my sleeves and let the blades of regret slit me, Cut me through the throat, Still, it will take your name. You will always be my favorite memory, The decent chapter in my history, The epic saga of my life story. Some moments fade away, some drifts apart, Your name will stay forever the same ingrained in my heart. I chose it to replay each day on every ocassions for all seasons,  Surrendered myself to your memories to keep them alive, vivid and clear. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Time...

We are all stuck in the memory loop. Spinning around the lane that takes us back to the golden days.  After ten long years when you first saw me,  You noticed one thing about me. You said,  'Hey, you look mature.' But, I wanted to claim the melting spot where both you and I were a sweet teen, not knowing the future.  I wish you would know what happened to me in these ten years.  How I evolved from an adorable sweetheart to a strong Stone-heart!  Head strong, tall and high, with eyes of no charm. These eyes has seen all,  Witnessed much.  Now, they keeps scrutinizing.  My heart once used to bend for the sweet-talkers, Now, it looks for patterns!  I wish you could know how much has changed. How much transition does it take a person to change so much. Now, silence reigns in my veins.  Now, vigilance keeps me awake at night.  I have become a hawk. An eagle.  Butterflies in my stomach has died, They are all mummified.  ©® ...

 There is a moonlight in your eyes, Soft glam that shines so bright, There is a spark in your eyes that can lighten up the far skies. The twilight stars in the sky cannot compete with the moonlight of your eyes, The canons can't brushfire like your gaze would invoke the fire in me, There is one truth in your eyes, They are true,  Pure as ice. There is one truth in your eyes, They shone bright when they saw me. There is a moonlight in your eyes, That wanted to illuminate me in heavenly light, There is a spark in your eyes, They wanted to lock me forever in their sight. I am hopelessly addicted to your loving eyes. The soft glam in it,  No fleeting whiles, No cure, no prevention, no rescue. No other sight can make me whole, I want to shine bright in the moonlight of your eyes. I am addicted to your eyes, which used to hold a vision of us together! I am hopelessly in admiration of your soothing eyes, They captured my soul, My inner voice and pride. I am hopelessly in love wi...

 Your name and face are sculpted so deep in my heart, A stain of love that can never be washed away... A name so deeply curved that will never vanish. A face so deeply drawn in my heart that will never depart. Every sigh, every sign, every dream, every thought leads me to you, No matter why, through storms and rains, Through agony and pain, Your name echoes in my mind,  My heart. Your name is carved in my heart, Not through ink but veins. I observed each detail-  Your face, Your voice, Your eyebrows, Your cheekbones, The color of your T-shirt. Every detail of you never slips away....  Your thoughts, your worries, your sighs catches my eyes....  Nothing hides away from me!  Your face is engraved in my heart and there it remains. No matter how much I try to forget, Or, move on, Stubbornly, there you stay! Deeply ingrained. Your name is engraved so deep in my heart. I return there to see you, again and again. As if nothing changed, But, there is no us, You and...

 My eyes are tired of looking for you. For how long will I look for you? I know there is no returning, yet my waiting period is not over. The sky is filled with clouds,  My mind is too. The pot that used to hold the money plant is half-filled, Leaves drained, Stems uprooted. Just like me. I have been looking for my roots. I have been looking for a stem to stand on. I have been waiting for a love like yours to fill me.  But is it possible? Can someone love like the first love? I am wishing for a love that will be final. No more explorations of the wanderlands, Of the unseen. I have seen a fairy-tale-like love. Oh, my bad. I did not understand that the potion of love, once and for all, is enough. You could be my world, and I did not need another realm to explore. But I failed you miserably. I failed myself.  Now, like a widow, I keep waiting for your arrival. From the heavens, From above, Or, beneath. Like Hadis or Jesus or Thunder like Apollo, I want you to take me of...

  What I am looking for,  Not another mirage in the desert,  Not another illustrious illustration, Not dramatic upheavals,  Not honeyed hives.  I want calm in chaos,  Stability in the disorients,  The frontiers in the woods seems lost,  Whereas they were meant to hold the light for the lost ones.  I want the seventeen year old in the thirty seven guy.  I want your inner child to play with mine.  The boy is pushing the swing,  The girl is giggling in joy. Utterly an heavenly feelings.  The girl didn’t think what's coming forth. She would lose a piece of her,  A playmate, a guardian, a shelter whom the gods favoured.  Now, she has a piles of complains. She screams her heart out in woe,  Asks only one question,  Why? There's no reply.  Not even the heavens shiver in her loss,  Shakes in pain.  She is still looking a love like a seventeen year old.  Her inner child is broken.  It wa...

  NZ, we didn’t ever get the chance to dance in rain, right?! Whereas, we always used to say what we would do when sky poured heavy rain, When the silver lining of the clouds would scream to us,  When the prisms of rainbow would scatter. Then, you would hold my hands,  Take me to the pavilion,  Hold me from the back and watch rainfall. Rain drops dripping all over our body from head to toe,  Rain drops touching our eyelashes, lips, cheeks, And, us?! You know what we would do!  But, now rainfall occurs in monsoon, Aprils aren’t the same anymore.  Hey, do you enjoy the rainfall same as I do?! When thunder flickers and raindrops touch your feet, And, the sudden breeze takes over control, Do you think of me?! I was the storm in your daily routine.  I was the sudden disruption always retreating, never forthcoming.  Hey, my toes are tingling.  Once they were used to tickling.  Hey, my lips keep pronouncing your name. They are tired. ...

We will live as sighs in each other's lives.  You will keep ruminating me,  Same shall I.  You will always remember my rosy cheeks and smile,  I will always remember your modest attires with calm demeanour.  And,  your broadened smile.  Your eyes shine when you smile.  You didn’t ever touch me with your hands. But, you touched my soul with your patience and intents.  Oh, so pure was your love!  In search of gold I lost the diamond!  In dillusional collusions, I lost intentious love and infatuation!  You were my one and only!  But, god knows what demons caught me!  A catfish trapped in the net got awakened in the barbaric time.  I look for you in mirrors and shadows, In sunsets and waves,  In moonlit nights.  Nowhere you are!  Nowhere you are!  Nowhere you are!  Sighs!  A long sigh!  Will my sighs ever reach you?! Would they ever cover the distance and regions?! Will you ever for...

 Why do I lose people?!  Why it has to be me always? Losing my people for the circumstances, For deliberate reasons,  For distance,  For unforeseen situations.  Why it has to be me always?! I don't want to lose anyone anymore. I didn’t want them to lose.  But, somehow they leave me in the midway, Is it me or them or fate?!  Oh, destiny you are the cruelest!  I didn’t want to be this strong by losing my favourites.  I didn’t want to be this independent by losing my shelters.  I didn’t want to be this isolated by losing my happiness.  My happiness was within them,  In them.  Oh, the cruelest of all,  Destined fate, you have taken too much from me.  How will you occupy?!  How would you now compensate me?!  Everyday I die and resurrect thinking about them.  My lost ones, loved ones and favourite persons,  Memories haunts me in the dark nights.  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 1...

Oh, the audacity of leaving the person you love! To walk away with steady feet, While their heart still trembles in your hands. To close the door so gently, As if silence could soften The thunder you have caused. Oh, the elegance of cruelty, To smile while departing, To bless the wound you created, And name it destiny. You and I were once A garden of unfinished springs, Where every petal leaned toward tomorrow, Where laughter climbed the walls Like ivy melting in the sunlight- touch of wounds! You were the moon over my tides, The flame beneath my winter, The sacred ache I wore like rubies around my throat. Yet you left— With the grace of a thief, With the pride of a king, With the calm of one Who never knew the value of what was held. Yet I let you go- With the grace of a cursed witch stuck in her castle,  With the pride of an independent soul,  With the calm of an elegant woman who knew what she has lost and what she can hold. Oh, had you stayed, The nights would have sung fo...

You were a beautiful chain whom I binded myself with, You were a self-built cage where I imprisoned myself, You were a fanatic decision which I believed in, I feared myself- that my own perceptions about love will crumble if I ever failed the relationship,  But, Alas! You failed me in all matters and I despise you!  I would despise you forever- You even don't deserve to get my loathsome rage! You were just a havoc only to decrease some of my wealth! But, do you know what's more precious?!  Its the inner-determination and a strong mind,  Believing in self that none can shatter,  You think you can take away my lot? Well, my destiny is well-preserved, Think about yourself- what you lost! Damn! What a looser I had to deal in a lifetime,  Trying to act cooler but more dumb you become, Glad to leave you, Glad to leave your shadow,  You were a succubi to succumb my soul,  Now get lost forever in the jungle and hide in your inauspicious cave, never try to...

Why don't you believe in people anymore?! - Cause, I don't want anyone to exploit my reason. How's that like?! -Well, you see when you have a reason to feel free and independent then you will get people surrounding you who wants to gain easily  accessible benefits from you on temporary basis,, Then, again, if you are kind and compassionate,  Then, there are always people who will abuse your kindness and make you feel miserable,  But, you don't avenge them instead you forgive.  You forgive because you understand thier reason,  By doing so you become grounded and mature, Again, you are mistaken and taken for granted,  Your level of understanding is taken advantage of. So, I don't expect anything from anyone anymore,  Nothing can hurt or stay with me for long!  Because in this cruel world bewildered with ecstasy,  No bond lasts long! ©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 2023, Rokeya Hall. 

You were necessary for me to evolve, You showed me what I thought love was not love actually  but compromise and a habitual prolongation, You proved me wrong- my perception of love is shattered, Yes, you were not meant to stay but necessary for my evolution. You were necessary for me to evolve, Staying with you I learnt the innate necessity for space and individualism everytime when you crushed my pride, ego and self, I learnt how important it is to be self-authorized and self-sufficient before becoming someone else's love interest, I was a love object to you nothing else, You were a habit to me nothing to chase or brag! You were necessary for me to evolve, Because, you showed me how important it is to love yourself before seeking someone else's love, You showed me the lacking I have within myself that always wanted to love others, I was self-compromising,later in self-defence, I would not think about myself once- Forgot all the cliches- class, interpretations, status, looks, ...

Once the girl believed in love and fantasy,  She thought that love can change the world,  Love has the healing energy, Later, the girl realizes love can destroy too, It is destructive,  If not placed right! The believer became a disbeliever now! The girl who believed in love so much,  Now, regrets loving!  She doesn’t believe in the magic of love,  Everything seems now a facade to her!  Love can not heal,  Love can not build,  Love can not secure, Love alone is not enough,  Cause, the definition of love is distorted to many peoples!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 3.39 pm, T-4

 You were a mountain,  I was a shallow fountain laying low.  I could sustain you if only I had the same heights as you!  But, you know Adrian,  Just like Sun and Moon cannot coexist in the same axis,  Mountain and Plane land cannot compete!  Now, I have accumulated a length of patience to gain your height.  I understand what you've been carrying all along. The weight of high standards and memories of losing the precious.  I have had also a fair share of losses.  I have seen lives lost,  Torn,  Gone astray,  I have seen lives stuck, Stuck in ambition, greed, pain and regrets.  To sustain a mountain like bond,  One has to be mountainous.  You didn’t lower me to a flat land.  I rose. I rose high.  Higher like an eagle to be able to understand how lonely it feels to carry the weight of the heights!  ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 12.55 pm, T-4

 Silently, I have loved you for decades,  Silently, I have chanted your name for thousand times.  I have scripted an epic love story,  Painted it with stardust and inked it with thunderings.  Wondering, whether you still think of me,  Whether you would still love me the same?!  You and I were separated like a geography torn down into halves,  Now like a seat caveat I live beneath and keep crossing the borderlines.  There are so many troops guarding me,  And, obviously there are internal barricades that I wouldn’t jump.  You are beaming with happiness and glow,  I know somebody loves you right.  You are doing all well in life,  I know someone prays hard for you and shakes the heaven's throne to make things bright.  Your smile is still the same,  Your eyes shines diamond like,  You have grown a dimple and a mustache,  And, seeing you creates a hole in my heart and the heart aches. I whimper in pain,...

Life could have been different, Adrian, with you by my side! You and me hand in hand, Side by side, Walking aisles together. You and I, living a life together, Crushing in laughter, Dancing and giggling. My spring would begin from then, And, I would be your shining star and red rose. I would wear a red bodycon, You would tie a bow, We would go to the gala, And, sing the whole night. Oh, there would be so many countless nights where we  would celebrate each other in numerous ways! If you would like to go hiking, I would be your ride! If you liked swimming, I would be your river and ocean waves! If you liked flowering, I would be the favourite garden in your sight! If you would like to talk with aquarians, I would be your guide! Oh, Adrian, can you feel the burden of regrets? The things we could have been and the things we could not be! The daylight that shows us the primal bay, we did not obey! So, the night shadows return - to consume us, Our love was devoured by a sadistic typhoon...

I am a big fan of your qualities, Adrian.  You know casual love adventures cannot replace your worth.  Do you know why people with qualities are unforgettable?!  They are rare cause they don't give the bare minimum. A qualityful human is not made of gold, But of quiet truths and courage told. They carry kindness in their hands, And build soft bridges where hurt once stands. They do not shine by wealth or fame, Nor seek applause to praise their name. Their strength is calm, their heart is wide, They lift the fallen to walk beside. They speak with care, they act with grace, They leave warm light in every place. In storms, they stand; in peace, they give, Teaching others the way to live. A qualityful human, rare yet true, Makes the world kinder simply through The love they offer, day by day.... A gentle soul that lights the way. You were a man of quality Adrian! Now, I am unable to find.  Everything seems so distant, so faraway now, I keep chanting your name,  My l...

  Adam, tell the young petals to learn the rules of love before  falling in love deeply. Before getting attached, tell them to understand the syntax of love language. Because if they fall in love unknowingly, they are going to suffer. Suffer eternally. Burn in the fiery fire, Then, live like ashes with burnt wounds and scars. Tell them lovers suffer. Notify them about the darkness ahead. They won't be able to sleep in long nights. Tell them lovers who grow distant suffer, Lovers who never reunite suffer, Lovers who change lovers suffer, Lovers who stay together apathetically suffer. Lovers who separate suffer, Lovers who are unequals suffer, Lovers who are equals too suffer. Tell them, love is an eternal journey of suffering. Tell them not to fall in love without taking responsibility.  If they want to burn in this flame, tell them to be prepared. ©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy  Timestamp: 3.24 am, midnight thoughts, Tagar.