Sublimation

 I will have to transmute this pain into something - the creativities are nothing but, 

Ashes of myself, residues of the emotions, 

The memories where you used to stay-

Is lurking,

The shadows- they never go away,

I tried everything - walking away, 

Locking myself into walls, 

Distract myself with art and work, 

Preach and teach how to transmute the pain and click the button 'mute', 

But, how do I transfer this pain?!

How do I leave the burden that I carried for so long?!

Where to dump?! 

How do I deny: Once I truly, genuinely admired you, I loved you and thought it was once and forever and ever, 

Now, I know forever thing is a myth, 

But, how to numb the pain?! 

How many poems do I need to write to sublimate the pain?!

How many achievements do I need to showcase to remind myself that loving myself over you has always been a great idea?! Where my heart never stops remembering you..

A loving heart always wants to pour love,

Unconditionally, incessantly, immensely, immediately, irreparably, unforgettably....

Why could you not adapt?! 

Why did you not change?!

Loving again could be a cure, 

But, dare I not, 

I don't dare to love again, 

Profoundly, deeply I can not immerse again in love and lose myself! 

Now, I walk with the pain buried in my chest,

A smile on my face, 

Those twinkling eyes still sparks, 

Deleted all the pictures, 

Removed everything from my space that would possibly remind me of you, 

But, how do I erase 'you' from the chambers of my heart that once longed for you so much?!

My heart is dying slowly, 

It could not love anyone else, 

Every encounter makes me doubt what if the next person would be like you?! 

Every encounter reminds me of you, 

Your cruelty and your betrayal, 

I am lost in this melancholy of keeping sane and trying to forget the pain you itched in my soul, 

The strain in my tired soul, 

But, the flashbacks, those are real, 

Every song reminds me of you, 

Cause, my heart knows only, 

Once I loved truly, deeply, madly.

And, that love evaporated with fire...

I forgot the world then, 

Now, the world is back after me.

I have succumbed to pain- I am tired,

I can not climb anymore, 

The ladders are too high for me. 

The cranes of sorrows are eating my head, 

My heart, 

My liver, 

My epidermis,

The exterior I wear,

My interior is shaken in the earthquake, 

The chambers collapsed.

Nope, I don't want you or anyone like you, 

But, I do need to sublimate the baggages that I carry, 

I would like to taste the honey of love again, 

But, this time, let it be pure, 

Unfiltered. 

I don't want to burn again.

The heart that aches too much knows it can not taste pleasure, not anymore, 

Perhaps, in next life with renewed seasons!

Autumn and springs may then reappear! 

Sing my songs-

That once my lonely soul wrote!

Thanks to the heartbreak, 

It took me to newer heights, 

My love, my pain, my sufferings-

Artistic fuel!

I am an essence, an artistic self created through the fire of sublimation, 

I seek refuge in the sublime. 

The dynasty never flourished -

But, my poetry did! 

In remembrance of the heartbreak-

C'mn let's celebrate the ache!

©® Farheen Bhuiyan Nancy 

Time Frame: 5.55 pm, Mirpur Cantonment.