Dad

 A daughter trained by her philosophical father can never go wrong! You are the reason I am scared of loss and failure! And, you are my invisible strength, my idol. I want to be a builder like you. I am so similar to you, your xerox copy but I realized it was too late until I lost you! If only I had some power to bring you back or meet you in a place where we can talk, see you, hold you. I long for you so much dad, everything about you or related to you triggers me. If God wanted to give me a sense of loss and grief, why does it have to be losing you! It's been 15 years, still the loss and void is upfront. Bitter. New. If only I knew! Now I understand the architect's obsession with making sculptures. Islam says to let go of dead people, not to keep any photos or statues. But, if only prohibition could stop me remembering you! If only moving forward could fix me, heal me. Of only time knew with time - the pain doubles. The grief widens. And so the awareness  of loss! If only time knew it’s a hoax! People never heal. They never forget nor forgive. They stand still. They don't move on from the loss. They never recover. What they do is pretend, pretend to be happy, to build new illusions or replace their wound with another source of joy. But the root cause of pain stays! Lingers like a never-ending thought. They try to defocus, detach and detain themselves from the loss they endured. But, every second with every thought and actions reminds them of their loss. The absence is felt than ever. The void- it grows. Grows into shoots and branches. The omnipresent presence of loss! What else can we do except grieving. It's always the ones who love! Those who love deeply, genuinely, entirely. They suffer. Suffer the most. Selfless love is regretful. So is the selfish one. Our selfish genes never unite us with the ones we love. It's difficult. It's  painful. The more we try to understand our grief, the more we want to justify- it hurts more. The razor sharp blade cuts through our throats- we can't voice our pain then. We become numb. Disturbing silence surrounds  us. And, we get used to it. Eventually we fall in love with numbness and silence. Because we don't know anymore what to say, how to explain our loss or what to do with it. We don't know how to deal with it. We just know onething for sure- the grief will never go. It has become a shadow. A shadow behind us and in front of us. Wherever we go we carry it. We carry the scars no matter how we try to dissolve them we cannot hide it. So do our thoughts and emotions. They never lie, they outbursts, shouts in the empty prison of our hearts where we locked our memories. I want to make you respectful, I want to honor you- dad, but I don't know the height you are in! I don't know how many paths I need to cross to make you feel proud. How long do I need to burn the bridges and remind myself that my dad is watching over me- I cannot step down.  In silence I miss you a lot, more than words can describe.