Fleeting
I am not looking for a fleeting flame,
Like that of sun rays,
Even at the coldest night it leaves its shadows behind-
Reflected on the stars and moon aligned.
I don't want comforting surrenders that shouts for temporal attentions,
The type of surrender that breeds your hunger.
That satiates you once but keeps you hungry forever.
That never truly satisfies you.
What isn’t yours can't make you happy,
And, whatever is yours whether tiny will cling to your heart, remain in a sacred place, you will worship it as holy.
Whatever comes as partial form will divide you into partiality.
And, it will cost you partial eclipse as if your life energy has been partially withdrawn.
Partiality begets more partial tendencies.
And, then,
You are never whole.
Always, depleted.
Fabricated.
Rehearsed.
Manipulated.
You live in a partial reality with partial assholes and believe partial truths.
You deserve a warmth that will shake up your entire body with the fever of love.
Not a warmth that trembles at the slightest test of distance and withdrawal.
You don't need a presence that rehearses permanence but leaves like a forgotten promise uttered on the whimsical.
I have seen how temporary acts like eternity,
Fleeting moments pretend to last longer,
How they decorate their exits with beautiful lies,
And, how they plan their departure before even starting anything.
They teach your pulses to rewrite its rhythm only to match their implausibility.
But, when your pulses started to depend on them they abandon you midway to hide their impulsivity.
No, I am not asking for intensity,
I am asking for compatibility that endures.
That endures the modern dilemmas,
That will endure the fragmentations we own.
I am drawn to a quiet gravity that pulls magnetism, that quietly stays even after the dismissals, even when everything falls apart,
The kind of love that never departs.
I want something whose fragrance lasts long even in the absence, that doesn’t dilute with time and again.
That reminds of familiarity, something that isn’t scared of becoming ordinary.
Because, it knows its worth- how its root run deeper, deeper than the fascination.
The oscillations of the heart might cause nervousness or guilt of feeling attracted.
Attraction and seduction goes hands in hands,
But, I am scared to be attracted to the wrong ones.
Those who aren’t meant to stay yet binds with fleeting moments so sweet.
Those who aren’t meant to be a part of destiny,
Yet, somehow remains!
I wish for a love that would stay like a scar on the skin,
Invisible to the world but closer to the heart,
Like a fragmented memory tucked with care in the unconscious.
Let it be the initials that you carry in your soul,
In your silence,
In your quiet ache,
In your bravery and in your daily life,
Your motif to rebuild yourself,
To grow into a version that no more loses love to the cruelty of fate.
The saddest part of the story is,
I have become a great person after losing you.
I have become everything that you have ever dreamt of. So are you.
This version of ourselves would love each other like no other.
This version of ourselves would bond like no other,
Yet, we remain strangers, far away.
Not in this timeline, in this zone anymore.
Not again.
Once in teenage, I wished for an adult love that refused to end, even after it has already ended.
It came out true- In this lifetime, my tragedy was successfully manifested.
Everyone in love is suffering,
I am just documenting my untold sufferings.
Everyone cries,
I rewrite my stories.
Everyone aches in the pain of love,
I relive and release it through expressing!
Everyone is hurting,
Not a single creature is happy by temporal lovemaking!
The curse of love that felt fated but actually remained partial in all its being!
The existential crisis that falls onto us after such terrible yet undeniable choices, so irreversibly fleeting!
When we are honest with our feelings,
Only then can we become honest with ourselves and others.
When we don't commute with our emotions and can't relate,
We hide who we are,
Form delusions and indecisive relations.
The indecision begets more confusion,
Leads to shattering of illusions.
And, the real tragedy my love-
Is not the breakage of hope but the breaking of the bubbles of illusions.
That gave us momentary feelings of love, hope and false emotions.
That has shown us a future built together!
Whereas, in present, we were struggling to hold it altogether!
Fleeting emotions give us a quick adrenaline rush of desired consumption!
But, one day you will learn to suppress....!!
Even subdue your hunger- it goes away.
Suppress the need for love- it too fades away.
One last thing I want to lose is the appetite for connection and feeling of joy in belonging to someone.
As I have lost appetite for chasing things and people.
©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy
Timeline: 4.18 am, Tagar
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