Dagger
I never wished to become the reason your innocence would be traded off.
I never thought the spark in your eyes will be gone, your smile less broadened and your arms less wide, after my departure.
Never wished you to shrink into someone ordinary just to fit besides my scrutiny.
Never thought you would fall from the mountains into muds, smearing dust and looking for shelter in bushes, after I left.
You changed slowly......
Not through loud noises.
Not in volcanic eruption but in silent catastrophe....!
A thousand little funerals within you were happening when I was away!
I had been seeking love in wrong place then, while you were quietly building yourself-
In isolation,
Grinding through rough days!
Today you are everything a gentleman could be,
And, I am proud of the man who is of stature whom once I loved dearly!
You know Adrian, love is cruel sometimes,
Because, it asks for sacrifice in disguise of devotion.
And, somehow we survived each other's mutual destruction.
Neither of us sacrificed but we did let go a part of us with ourselves.
The part that knew how to hold.
The part that knew how to love unconditionally and follow the heart blindly.
The part that was patient.
But, now when I look into the ruins carefully,
I realize....
It was necessary for our soul to grow.
We can grow only when we are stomped upon,
We can learn lessons only when we have crossed wrong roads.
After leaving you, my first love, I have learnt there is no other love like you.
You might not be an addiction but you could be a concoction that would heal my eternal illness-
The illness of love and lack of it!
The illness of pride and ego!
A guilt that I carry stays with me throughout each night, perhaps, will remain forever,
That I have killed the innocence in you.
And, somewhere between loving me you chose me by losing yourself.
I am the center of everything you do,
All of your thought processes, I am, I will be there.
Whatever you do, you do it for me,
I am your unconscious.
I am ruling there.
I am the push.
But, you have lost yourself.
The making of you whether I remained or not is done by me, my hands!
I have curated you in this form, now, where you stand and the way you are, dear NZ!
You will always love me unconsciously,
You will look for me in every encounter you make!
What a terrible thing, I did was to let you!
Danger itself inviting dagger for its digging.
I invited your chaos.
But, the privilege of lifetime is who you become.
I am glad that we have survived each other and became who we were meant to!
You a wonderful architect, me a stoic poet!
You with a beautiful family, me with an archive of history and poetry!
Still, I am making you immortal.
Still, you keep burning within me as a flame so dim yet strong enough to burn my heart into ashes.
From ashes to dust,
I arise like a phoenix only to remind you,
How deeply and immaculately I have loved you!
©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy
Timestamp: 1.43 am, Tagar
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