I wish I didn’t outgrow anyone
I wish I was not this ambitious for every direction I have gone demanded me of a bereavement for everything I leave behind.
In teaching my arms how not to tremble while carrying them.
In hiding my tears,
My voice not shaking while saying goodbyes.
And, my soul not escaping the ribcage while tightly grabbing them.
I don't want to let go of them - those who are my people.
Who have ever known my grief,
Who have understood me beyond my cold exterior, tears pushed back behind my smiley face.
Those who have read between the lines.
I don't want to lose them at all.
I wish I had wanted less.
Perhaps, then the people I love would have remained within arm's length,
Their laughter echo in my ears,
Their faces not blurred for poor net connection,
And, timezones not differed that would make seeing them difficult.
I wish I could always touch them, feel their presence.
Cuddle them tightly and keep them in front of my eyes.
Because, no one informs us of being ambitious is losing people.
People whom you love,
Whom you adore,
People with whom you hang out and open your heart, people with whom you laugh, build meaningful connection.
You lose them all in your whirlpool of ambitious run! You lose them while you want to keep them close but lose in the cycle.
They can't stay while you are running,
Moving places,
They can't stay while you are away- Far away chasing the unreachable.
You become the unbeatable, unshakable.
But, all alone in the crossroads of transits and lay overs.
Though you have never wanted to outgrow the people whom you have ever loved.
You never wanted to stand alone like this.
You never wanted to lose everything to build a new status.
Holding accomplishments like ice cold trophies with no familiar voice beside clapping hands for you.
Or, your closest people cheering for you,
'You have made it! You have done great! Bravo!'
I wanted our dreams to weave each other,
Hold us together for the long run.
I wanted to rise together, gather around the same table, sit close, and sip coffee together.
Each of us promising that we'll have each other's back forever.
I wanted to wait for one another without complaints,
To celebrate each other's wins without comparisons,
To see love as a covenant but not chain,
And, bonds not as a bondage but as standing on the same page, relationships not as shackles but invisible strings strengthening our lifespan.
I wanted you to teach how to fly without any hurdles, loosen up your burdens,
But, you attempted to cut my wings short and my limit my skyline.
I wanted to build a tribe and give you a tribute,
But, you gave me the worst treatment for my genuinely kind attributes.
I wanted them to desire abundance for themselves with the same intensity I carried for them.
I wanted them to meet me on the same trail,
Not identically but in equal courage,
Not mirroring my performance, but become companions in growth and abundance.
So that raise in rank and achievements with larger names would not become an obstacle through which affection would quietly leave from the backdoor in the hindsight.
So that none of us would have to chose between identity and destiny, devotion and emotion, illumination and elimination.
The laminating curse we carry!
Because love, at its most beautiful altar doesn’t ask for shrinking nor compression,
It doesn’t abandon when someone ascents or leaves behind when they descend.
Love stays.
No matter whatever happens.
Love stays.
If only it were true!
But, we made success an enemy against love and companionship!
And so, love itself became a solitary game- a soliloquy of an ambitious woman!
I do not regret my ambition.
I do not regret my ambition.
Or, the love we had!
I do not regret anything more or less!
I just mourn the version that we dreamt together but couldn’t become!
I mourn the conversations interrupted by geographies, timezones and distance!
I mourn they couldn’t walk beside me during my 'becoming'- the version I always wanted to become!
This time I see a different dream!
I wish those whom I love would dream just as fiercely that our paths will diverge into one,
We will have a marathon run, chasing the same goals and missions, having an eyesight for the same vision and resting on the same ground, skydiving from the same height, same mountain.
And, our hands still finding each other.
That none of us would mistake silence as loyalty and distance as betrayal.
That we would keep evolving in each other's direction.
Because the truest success I have always imagined is not thriving alone.
It has always around my loved ones.
That, after a long arduous climb I will rest on the laps of my people,
Those who are equally kind,
Equally radiant and vibrant.
Equally cheerful holding hands, eye to eye, and claiming,
'We are here, we are a tribe'!!
'No one will have to be left behind!'
Let's march onward to the forward, Let's build together and climb!!
©® Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy
Timespan: 12.43 am, Tagar, write-ups at the faculty guest house, MIST, Mirpur Cantonment.
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