Autumn in Lubbock

You don't fall in love with this city at the first sight. 

I didn’t. 

I arrived with my luggages of attires and baggages of fear, 

My little collection of fears in a new city, 

Fear of starting from the scratch. 

I change outfits daily,

Unlock new fears in the collection, 

I feel like I am running behind a sin so encapsulating, so beautiful. 

At first, 

Lubbock felt like a thrill, 

I felt one day I will belong to the ranch, 

The dried grasses and frozen nights,

Slowly I did.

The roads were unfamiliar, 

It's a small town, 

I felt smaller because of the unfamiliarity. 

But, eventually it accepted me the way I am-an  unorthodox paradox!

Gradually, it started to like me, 

So did I! 

I asked the city awkward questions, 

It replied me with generosity. 

I became comfortable. 

Now, I know it can hold the unconventional,

And, I can breath. 

No more keeping in mind, 

I speak what I believe, and somehow it loved the way I spoke to the autumn and autumn released its fear of holding too much! 

The fallen leaves are yellowish than ever! 

Graceful in their decay! 

Abundant in their making way for others! 

As if releasing space for the new ones to grow! 

Autumn in Lubbock has a spectacular view!

It slowly starts and ends quickly!

I found a beautiful reflection of the moon in the lake, a couple of duck swimming, 

Somehow their cohabitation gave me ache, 

As if I am a widow in the city! 

The moon spoke to me.

She said, "Do not envy!" 

For when It's your time, it'll be beautiful too,

Perhaps, in another summer, you won't chase the illusory dreams! And, build something lasting, something meaningful. 

I said, cut the chase, 

I want to remain hopeful.

But, my heart is full of heartbreaks, 

And, I need a break from all the chaos. 

Every error I make, 

Every fault found in my syntax, 

Every denial in my pocket, 

Every rejections on my face, 

Every scars in my life, 

Every detours in my path, 

Every obstacles in my way, 

I want to remove them all! 

Then, the moon wickedly laughed and hid behind the clouds, 

"See, even your achievement doesn’t give you meaning, your connections doesn’t make you complete, your belongings don't surrender to you, even at crucial times your shadows betray you.

So, how do you expect that you are going to be a perfectionist?! 

You are going to get a smooth life without any contours?! "

I sighed. 

I kept quiet. 

Took a deep breath and controlled my instincts to ask more. 

The moon said, 

"See, this is your problem, 

I told you to keep it to yourself!" 

I left the lakeside and returned to my weary room, everything is unorganized. 

I pick clothes from the floor one by one only to unfold them again. 

Life has been a mess,

Your paragraphs too. 

And so is my understanding!

They are clouded too!

I am no longer certain. 

Even the moon is I believe unwell!

She doesn’t know what she's doing, what she's saying. 

But, the city stays the same- 

Comfortable at one evening, 

And, threatening in another morning. 

Maybe, It's okay to not be the same, 

Maybe, love is in how we perceive our surrounding, 

Maybe, It's not about including or excluding, 

It's just about simply existing, 

Being present.

Keep moving. 

Keep believing. 

Keep loving.

Keep unlocking fears, 

Keep doing things whatever you are doing.

Maybe, that's belonging, 

Maybe, that's the identity that we keep chasing! 

Maybe, that's the connection we keep craving!

Feeling wholesome within! 

Maybe, that's my dream- 

The incomplete self in me wants to feel complete.

And, perhaps, that's the paradox, 

Slowly and gradually, you fall in love with the unknown. 

You want to go on the cruise, 

Conquer the expeditions, 

But, somehow you are stuck in the row of exhibitions, 

And, you can't fall in love with the unknown anymore! 

This time you want certainty, 

A full range of guaranteed predictions,

This time you want stability, 

So, you want complete acceptance. 

Now, nothing halfway, half-done measures excites you,

You want full comprehension and full grasp of situations! 

You don't want to hold the broken pieces anymore,

You don't want to crack the puzzles, 

Or, be an unfinished part of a riddle,

You want to ask solid questions and someone to answer them. 

You want people to understand you, 

Not you anymore understanding them. 

This time you want them to belong you, 

Not you trying to pursue them. 

This time you have a different meaning of belongingness and acceptance. 

No more erasure,

No more suppressions, 

Only pure reasoning, 

And, complete acceptance- all with your faults and flaws! 

All with your scars and wounds, 

And, your unpredictable incompetence. 

Because, you are tired of proving your worth, 

You are tired of competing with yourself and others,

You are tired of all the meaningless performances,

You are simply tired of all the versions of truths you believed to be true! 

You are tired of loving the excitement and thrill of the new, but, anyways, it fades away! 

You want to be satisfied with the old, 

With the aging gold, 

With the remarkable progress- a discovery you can call victory and a hope you can call home.

A home where you can return to after the coarse evening ends, 

Where you are accepted completely, welcomed with wide arms opened for an awkwardly different person like you!

And, where there are no pretense,

Pretending they like you!

But, actually, they didn’t, 

Smiling on your face but hiding vicious envy, 

And, circulating more toxic judgments, 

They say they believe you but whatever they can do is only make fun of you behind your back! 

Well, It's community. 

And, here we are all compromised. 

Not giving a fuck to all the voices in my head, 

Buzzing around my ears, 

Not giving a fuck to judgmental eyes rolling down with a frown!

This autumn, I promised with myself to love me extra more- because in this new city I have none who would love me unconditionally, and grapple me when I am shivering in cold!

But, there are days when I fall into existential crisis, and keep asking myself, 

Hey, dude, what are you?!

- A hybrid person driven from 'Third Space' where I do or do not belong?! 

Or, operating from a belief that, 

I can not own anything neither could they! 

The desperate little despair- everything is out of control and I cannot control anything. 

Even my thoughts race like horse, 

I can't control them.

Even my emotions get numb, 

They remain uncontrollable, unfathomable, unbreathable. 

Even my courage falters,

I cannot move a step further. 

What do I do?! 

Where do I go?! 

What's my identity?! 

Where do I belong?! 

What am I doing?!

What's my purpose?!

The 'Species-being' in me is screaming loud to decode itself!

©®Farheen Akter Bhuian Nancy 

Timeframe: 8.20 pm, Lakeside, Lubbock, TX