When the novelty fades away!

You know Adam, people say they are scared of the new, but, I fear of the new withering away!

I am scared that eventually I will get bored of everything new I have ever craved.

What made my blood dance in the veins now runs stale when the unfamiliar begins to get too familiar. 

You know what else I am scared of?

When the new city has no charm, 

The streets once I memorized by learning each routes in the google maps no longer excites me.

When the morning doesn’t hold the calm anymore and I rush to catch the next bus on stoppage.

I am scared of people becoming too familiar. 

Because unfamiliar people still have possibilities, they haven’t disappointed you. 

They haven't shown their true colors yet,

They are not yet predictable and you still don't know what wound they are going to inflict on you in what shape and form.

You don't know any of it at all!

That's why every new person, new place, new dreams are beautiful.... 

Because, you haven’t tasted betrayal yet!

A new city doesn’t know how you weep each night, it doesn’t know the depth of your sadness.

A new room full of strangers doesn’t know your story, they don't know what you've been through, so you sit comfortably with them. 

A new person still doesn’t know your horrors and which parts of you to attack. 

That's why you keep chasing the new beginnings, because for a while you forget what you've left behind and then the scariest part begins....

Everything eventually gets old, 

You learn the patterns, 

And, the strangers get familiarized with your fears, strength, and potentials. 

You don't want to be vulnerable again in this new city.... but, wherever you go you can't defeat your fate, it's your destiny!

For a while you mistook novelty as freedom and ignorance as bliss!

You can walk through an unknown alley and pretend you have become a whole new person.

And, then familiarity kicks in, quietly, subtly, incessantly until you have a break down.

It learns your weaknesses. 

It learns which memories hit you hard and which ones you want to hide, dig deep and bury inside.

And, suddenly, the miracle you announced feels like a routine void of thrills!

The dream becomes a regular mondays,

The city becomes too plain, 

And, the people become distant. 

 There I am again standing in the mirror face to face with myself....

With no unfamiliar scent on my bathrobe, 

No novelty in my hairstyle- I ask myself,

How do you always end up alone?! 

Aren’t you tired of yourself?! 

Delays on the wednesday hustles- I blame my old friend 'loneliness'. 

I try to strangulate her, still she cares-

Not to leave me alone, 

Not to give me space. 

Perhaps, people assumes that if they exclude her and leave her own she will be doomed,

But, they don't know is that in my lonesome days I find strength within me, 

Gain assurance in myself! 

I have learnt how to befriend myself- my dear friends!

And, that’s what the poet in me keeps preaching.

But, again.....

I keep rotating in the same axis,

Perhaps, this is what scares me the most....

That I can change the zip codes, try new cloths, mimic a new accent, create new circle, work on new projects, chase ambitions yet remain the same- the same broke person that I am.

I hide beneath the renewal of my new self- new identities,achievements, and success.

Eventually, silence holds me back, 

It somehow finds my address anyways.

Perhaps, I keep chasing new beginnings because endings are always same-  it is growth when I outgrow any situation. 

Perhaps, it was never about feeling alone and depressed, but, finding my way back to myself,

That only I can give myself reassurance. 

 Only I can love me thousandfold back. 

Perhaps, it was about the lonely moments that gives me feedbacks about myself- growth always comes at the cost of self-reflections.

Perhaps, it was never about chasing the next city, next achievement, next level but always constructing a new-self!

I believed new beginnings will save me, 

Rescue me from the lurking darkness,

But, the new things never satisfied me. 

Perhaps, it was always learning how to love and be content with oneself at a time with what you have!

Perhaps, it was about self-discovery that I don't need new things to feel happiness and cover up my emptiness, 

It was always building a strong relationship with the remaining of myself and the surrounding that I have! 

Maybe, it was always about recognizing my self-worth at breaking points! At every stage! 

I do not need to chase the new version of me everytime! 

Perhaps, life is teaching me to slow down and love the beauty of small things!

Because, every new time hid an invisible funeral within it, 

The funeral of a part of me who thought this time it would be different. 

Perhaps, it was never about leaving but accepting what I have!

 And, what matters most!

It was inviting me to stay.... 

Not to rush to changes. 

Perhaps, moving too fast blurred my vision and memory all together. 

I thought running can let me escape from the cage of forsaken memories. 

And still, 

I keep running.

I keep starting new things. 

As if every new project is a renewal of myself, 

Every new poem declares who I am becoming!  

Perhaps, it was all about this- to discover every ounce of myself, 

So that I can sit still- alone comfortable with me- reflecting, creating, and writing.

Perhaps, that's what being human means, 

We know that every new things we once prayed for, will eventually lose its charm, still, we will surrender to it.

We will keep chasing new directions, even when they get old, stale and ordinary, try to catch the old familiarity with our both hands. 

Isn't it cruel?! 

You have to change yourself everytime when a new challenge appears. 

Maybe I don't actually want a life that is endlessly exciting and thrilling with all the sudden shifts and transitions,

Maybe, I want stability, something ordinary that would feel extraordinary everyday,

Perhaps, I want a secured life that doesn’t collapse when excitement exits from the front door.

Maybe I need an afternoon whose heat won't scare me off,

A night whose length won't make me escape thoughts, 

A relaxed morning when I won't be rushing to reach on time.

A routine that doesn’t bore me at all! 

A person who doesn’t let me doubt,

A love that feels new each day, and survives when all adventure fades away,

A city that finally feels like home.

A self I do not need to abandon, 

That knows how to take rest,

Who knows how to take control of its instinct. 

Perhaps, finally I have understood that I don't need new things everytime, 

I need the most ordinary things in life that I can value. 

Genuine friendships, true love, a person whom I can call home without any doubts and an identity that would last. 

Perhaps, that's the terror because I am scared that I won't be able to find any of them soon. 

Maybe, that's why I keep chasing the new until I find my truth and a land to stand firm on one foot. 

©® Farheen Akter Bhuian 

Time frame: 5.50 pm cdt, Lubbock, TX